A Word on Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is a topic that can be quite contentious because, like many things in the realm of parenthood, people feel very strongly about it. I hope that by posting this entry it will help other new mothers out there, and that rather than receive judgment from anyone, I will receive support.

I feel very strongly about breastfeeding as well. It has always been my plan to breastfeed my child, since well before I even had any concrete plans to have a baby. We all know about the benefits: breast milk has all of the nutrients a baby needs; it’s convenient insofar as you don’t have to clean and sterilize bottles; it’s cheaper, and so on. Quite simply, it was just never something I gave much thought to – it was a given that I would breastfeed when I had a child.

But as I mentioned in this entry, it seems that very little has actually gone according to plan since my labour started: I was going to have a natural birth with no drugs – I ended up getting narcotics AND an epidural; I was going to have a vaginal birth – I ended up with a C-section. And now breastfeeding: I was going to breastfeed my child, but I have since made the very difficult decision to formula-feed.

My reasons for doing so are not the usual ones you hear. The most common concern for new parents is whether their child is getting enough milk, as there is no way to measure your output like there is with formula. My mom even mentioned tonight that that was one thing that worried her, particularly when my sister would be wanting to be fed a lot; it made her wonder if she was producing enough (of course, we know now that chances are, she was making enough and my sister was probably just going through a growth spurt).

I didn’t have that concern. Of course I’d worry a little, but I would know that I would simply have to make sure that she was having enough wet and dirty diapers, plus she would be weighed at doctor’s appointments, etc.

This is where this entry may become a little uncomfortable for people who know me in “real life”, but I will do my best not to go into a huge amount of detail.

Let’s just say that I have always been sensitive, even before getting pregnant – and not in a good way. I suppose it was in the back of my mind during my pregnancy, wondering if that would affect my plans to breastfeed, but I just pushed the concern away, figuring that I would manage and everything would be fine. And when I first had Claire and was rolled into the recovery room and she immediately went to feed, that hope grew. But of course, for one thing, I was on a bit of a high now that I had (finally) had my baby; for another, I was still pretty frozen from the surgery, and that extended a good deal up my chest.

While in the hospital, I did get a few bad latches and my nipples ended up being “a mess”, as one blunt (but lovely) nurse put it: cracked, scabbed and blistered. I had to stop breastfeeding and started supplementing with formula while using the hospital’s pump to express the colustrum which we then either finger-fed to Claire or added to her formula. We continued with that when we first got home (although by then the milk had started coming in), but then they had healed up somewhat, so when the public health nurse called to see how I was doing, I asked her to come by to help me with getting some good latches.

The public health nurse was lovely and she showed me some really good techniques, and my hope grew again. After she left, I started breastfeeding again. And after a good deal of time, I realized that I was in pain. Again. And not from bad latches, but just from a bad combination: me being more sensitive than many women, and Claire having a rather aggressive “suck” (which the nurses and my doctor pointed out, so I guess she does have a stronger latch than other newborns).

Like I said, it was a horribly difficult decision to make. I sobbed – literally – because I felt so guilty. Even after a fairly short period of time, despite my plans to breastfeed my child, I was already dreading her feeding cries. How could a mother dread feeding her own child? But it was there, and beneath the guilt, I knew that it was not so much that I dreaded feeding her, but dreaded the pain of feeding her.

I talked about it with Neal and with some friends, and with my sister. The following day, we had Claire’s first doctor’s appointment (which went very well!), and I discussed it with my doctor. My doctor was very supportive and she said the same thing Sherry said to me – that Mom needs to be happy too and it will not do anyone any good if I’m dreading feeding her.

So I’m still pumping until I dry up, and I’m feeding her what I get, but mostly we’re giving her formula. There may be some residual guilt still there, but I’m really happy with the decision. Personally, I don’t believe I need to breastfeed to bond with my daughter; rather, given my specific situation, I’m bonding with her more by bottle-feeding and just holding her close. I’m still a huge proponent for breastfeeding, and I do think that in most cases, women should try it. Formula-feeding can be inconvenient because it involves washing and sterilizing bottles and nipples, having to figure out how to transport formula when you’re out and about, having to try to soothe a crying baby who wants to eat while waiting for the formula to warm up, whereas breast milk is just readily available. But one positive side of formula-feeding is that Neal can also feed her and have that bonding experience as well.

And the main thing is that Claire and I are both happy and healthy.

I know that some readers may think I gave up too quickly, that I should have just gritted my teeth, I should have called the public health nurse back in, and so on and so forth, but I knew how I felt and I knew that I needed to deal with it right away. So, as I wrote above, although I know that people feel very strongly about breastfeeding, I hope that I will get support from those who visit this blog rather than judgment.