Letter to my Daughter

Dear Baby Guthrie,

In some ways, it’s hard to believe that my pregnancy is almost over; in others, it’s hard to believe that you are not here yet. I remember waking up early in the morning so many weeks ago and seeing the plus-sign on the pregnancy test almost immediately. I remember waiting for the allotted time to pass before telling your daddy, just in case the plus-sign disappeared, and my utter and total excitement when it remained.

It was so hard for me to keep the secret of your existence. We told your grandparents and aunts and uncles, but swore them to secrecy as well. I blurted it out to a couple of friends when I was just ready to burst with the news. I was so relieved when we could finally announce it to everyone!

I never minded the growing belly. In fact, I welcomed it, checking each week in the mirror to see if I could notice a difference. It grew steadily, and then I watched with fascination at the changes to my belly button as it became shallower and shallower and slowly became the slight “outie” that has now shown up.

I was so fortunate in my experience in carrying you. I had so little nausea, and it was easily controlled by food. I had intense headaches for a couple of weeks, but then they too went away. There have been other minor discomforts, but I never really minded so much because I knew the reason I was experiencing them was because I was carrying this precious life inside me, and you are so very worth it.

Your daddy and I were so excited to go to 3D Miracles so that we could see you and find out if you were a boy or a girl. You fooled a few people – many told us they thought you would be a boy because of the way I was carrying you at the time, but the technician told us without a doubt that you are a girl. The truth is, we would have been ecstatic either way! Perhaps we should have had our own idea about your gender since we had settled on a girl’s name while a boy’s was still up in the air.

I brought one of your pictures from that ultrasound with me to work and placed it in a frame to sit on my desk. I have taken such pleasure in looking at that picture, wondering how you have been changing since then as you have grown bigger and stronger.

And speaking of strength – those are quite the kicks you give me at times! I won’t be altogether surprised if you end up being a kickboxer! But I know that it’s probably getting cramped in there now, so I don’t really mind. It’s uncomfortable when your movements are so strong, but I would gladly take that over the absence of movement any day. And besides, it just shows me how strong you really are, and that is something that amazes me all the time.

I’m trying to be patient now, Baby Guthrie, now that I have finished work and now that we have reached 38 weeks and I know that you can come any time. I try not to analyze every little twinge or change in my body, I try not to wonder if these are signs that your arrival is imminent. I am trying to enjoy some quiet time to myself, to read, to write, to clean and organize things in the house, to cook and freeze meals for the first few days that you are here.

But the truth is, as much as I am enjoying those things – particularly the rest – it doesn’t compare to how much I am looking forward to meeting you. The truth is that I would not care if the tub wasn’t scrubbed and the floors weren’t washed and we had laundry piling up around us if it meant that you were here. I wouldn’t care about finishing the book I’m reading or getting further along in the book I’m writing if it meant that I could hold you in my arms and snuggle with you. I know the sleep deprivation is going to be hard, but when I get up several times in the night to go to the washroom, I can’t help but glance into your room and wish I was going to your crib to feed and change you instead of going straight back to bed.

I often sit in your room, rocking on the glider, wondering if you like the motion now and if you’ll like it when you’re born. I look at the stuffed animals people have given to you and wonder which ones will be your favourites. I wonder what colour your hair and your eyes will be. Will your ears stick out like mine? Will you have your daddy’s nose?

I look forward to watching you sleep on your daddy’s chest, maybe while we relax on the couch in the living room. I look forward to watching him give you a bath and read a story to you. And down the road, I look forward to watching you follow him around the backyard, as you help him with the outdoor chores.

I look forward to kissing your nose and feeding you and yes, even changing your diaper. I look forward to watching you grow and develop, to see your first smile, to witness you crawling for the first time, to help you stand on your legs and take a picture of you as you take your first step. And down the road, I look forward to playing hide-and-seek and playing with dolls.

I wonder if part of me will miss the sensations of having you inside me, but I believe that the absolute wonder of having you before me, having you in my arms, of hearing your coos and cries and laughs will more than make up for it.

Oh, Baby Guthrie, no matter how hard I try to be patient and enjoy this quiet time, I just can’t help but anxiously await your arrival!

Love,

Mommy