Weighty Issues

I have never been one to be overly worried about my weight. Sure, there have been times when I have gained a few more pounds than I would like and I haven’t been super pleased with my body image, but it’s never been a huge concern of mine. My weight tends to fluctuate anyway.

When I was pregnant, I absolutely LOVED my body. I remember reading about how some women have trouble dealing with their increasing size, but I just loved it. I was really happy that I “popped” early because it was so awesome to look in the mirror and see this belly growing in size, knowing that a precious life was being cradled inside. Even when I was at 40+ weeks and I was HUGE –

– I loved it.

Then I had Claire, and of course I didn’t really expect to suddenly be down to my pre-pregnancy size right away. I did start slimming down pretty quickly… and then it just stopped. And not where I would have liked for it to stop.

Now, I know what they said – it took me 9 months to get as big as I did, and it will take at least 9 months, if not longer, to get back down to where I was before. I KNOW. I also know that pregnancy can completely change your body so that what fit you before now looks ridiculous. I know all of this, but when I’m trying on some of my pre-pregnancy clothes – and not even the really tiny ones from when I was really small (see above re weight fluctuation) – or I’m standing in a dressing room trying an already-larger size and these items DON’T FIT ME, well, I’m usually about ready to cry. Or pull on a pair of jogging pants and a sweatshirt, remove all mirrors from the house and stay inside forever.

People tell me that I look great, and I appreciate that. But it doesn’t change the fact that other than buying a few items right after I had Claire when summer was starting and I had absolutely nothing to wear (and therefore not long after having had Claire), I have not bought anything for myself since my pregnancy. I’ve tried on many things, but they’re too snug around my hips and thighs, or they show that lovely post-pregnancy jiggly bulging W-shaped belly through the fabric. And so I leave the dressing room and when my husband suggests simply trying on a larger size, I snap that I’m not willing to go up TWO SIZES. (And then I feel bad because he is just trying to help)

And it’s not like I’m just sitting around the house eating bon-bons. I have an almost-six-month-old to play with and carry around. We go for walks almost everyday, weather-permitting. I went to those mom-and-baby exercise classes for awhile. Now I try to go to the gym a couple of evenings a week. I eat pretty well.

And yet, I seem to be stuck. I need to lose at least 20 lbs to get back to where I was at the very beginning of my pregnancy, which was still the higher end of my “normal”. And although I’m certainly not old, I am almost 32 years old, and we all know that one’s metabolism slows down as you get older (unless you’re my sister who has a metabolism any woman would covet), so I can’t help but wonder if it’s going to be even harder for me to lose the weight and firm up.

But I also realize that I’m doing what I can, and I need to accept myself the way I am right now and I needed to bite the bullet and go out and buy some clothes that fit me properly instead of just giving up. Maternity Leave + Bathroom Renos = Tight Cash, however, so I went to a second-hand shop and bought a bunch of shirts and sweaters. I’m wearing one of those shirts today and, although yes I would like to slim down, I do feel a lot better.

PS: For the record, I didn’t post this in search of compliments to boost my ego. I know I am not the only woman who feels this way post-pregnancy, so I thought I would share so that it might make others feel a little better, just knowing there are others who feel that way.