Graves’ Disease, but Not a Grave Disease

Posted on February 28, 2012 by amanda

Back in November, I wrote about some pain and stiffness I was having in my hands and feet, and how in a roundabout way this led me to discover that I suffer from hyperthyroidism (i.e, my thyroid makes too much of the thyroid hormone). I say ’roundabout’ because stiffness has nothing to do with hyperthyroidism, so the jury’s still out on what is causing that, and I’m going to be going for some x-rays soon to see if we can figure out what the hell is going on. But that’s a totally different story.

I went to see the thyroid specialist in December and was sent for a thyroid scan in January. I had to drink a low-dose iodine drink, go back home, and then drive back into the hospital to get the scan done. I went to see the specialist again today to find out the results. Back in December, they mentioned the possibility that it could be postpartum hyperthyroidism, which usually resolves itself on its own after a few months.

Well, it’s not that. I have Graves’ Disease.

It’s a very unfortunate name. I assume it was discovered by Dr. Somebody-Graves and therefore was named after him, but man, could they have come up with a more somber name for this? I mean, it’s never good to have a disease, and there’s a good chance that I will be affected by this throughout my life, but as far as diseases go, it’s not that bad.

Graves’ Disease is an autoimmune disorder that causes my body to attack my thyroid which then responds by pumping out way more thyroid hormone than is required. There are a whole slew of symptoms that come along with it, but I suffer from very few. I did experience heat intolerance, and I was ALWAYS warm even on cool days, but I thought this was related to leftover pregnancy hormones (I still have a faint linea nigra on my belly from my pregnancy so my hormones are still a little out of whack). I was also really tired, but hey, I’m a new mom. Nevermind the fact that Claire sleeps through most nights; I’m still on the go more now than before.

Well, it turns out that both of those symptoms probably have nothing, or very little, to do with having been pregnant 10+ months ago, and more with my crazy, spazzed-out thyroid.

And sadly, I haven’t developed the weight-loss symptom that often accompanies hyperthyroidism; having had a baby only 10 months ago, that symptom might have been welcome!

The causes of Graves’ Disease aren’t all that clear. Genetics can play a role, but as far as I know, no one in my family has thyroid problems. But pregnancy can do it too. For whatever reason, you can develop a whole bunch of issues after having been pregnant, and not the usual and temporary ones you think of. It wouldn’t have stopped me from getting pregnant with Claire, but I do wish I had known about all of these possibilities, just to have some warning!

So, treatment! Unless either my thyroid levels get resolved before this (unlikely), or I develop one of the rare side effects that would require that I stop taking it, I will probably be on thyroid meds for about a year or so. 30-35% of people have their Graves’ Disease go into remission at this time, and about half of those people never get it again. Obviously, more people don’t get the remission card, and that’s when I will need to discuss the radioactive iodine option. As mentioned above, I had to take a low-dose radioactive iodine drink when I had the scan done in January; this would be a much higher dose (I’m not sure if more than one dose would be required, though from reading online it looks like it would) and would kill part or all of my thyroid (maybe that’s why you usually need more than one dose; I imagine they’d kill part of it, see if things get resolved, and if not, give you another dose to kill a little bit more, and so on and so forth). This would require thyroid hormone medication to replace the hormones I would be lacking due to a half-dead or fully-dead thyroid, and I would be on those meds for the rest of my life.

The doctors said that it’s my decision, and I could choose to take the radioactive iodine road now, but we all agreed that it’s probably better to wait and see if this thyroid medication does the trick. It would be more of a concern if I was planning to get pregnant in the very near future since you aren’t supposed to get pregnant while on that medication or while having an out-of-control thyroid situation, but um, not in the plan! Someday, maybe, but not now.

So, it sucks, but in the grand scheme of things, given all of the diseases out there, this one ain’t so bad. At least there is treatment and my life can continue pretty well as normal – other than the interruption of a million-and-one blood tests and possibly doctors’ appointments.

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Hell Week

Posted on February 24, 2012 by amanda

This has been the Week From Hell. Claire developed her first cold; the symptoms started over the weekend, but it was really Monday night into Tuesday that things started to go downhill. By mid-afternoon yesterday, Claire had only drank 3 oz of formula plus a few sips of water here and there (she did eat some breakfast and some lunch). With the extremely low amount of fluids and only slightly wet diapers through the day, I started to get worried and called 811, a service where you can speak to a registered nurse who will try to determine whether you can continue to treat the symptoms at home, or if you should go to a clinic or hospital. The nurse listened to me very patiently and determined that I could continue to treat Claire on my own at home, but that I should focus more on fluids and less on meals. She basically said that I should maybe not feed her actual food, as that can take the place in her belly of the fluids that she needs more. She also said that I should give her whatever fluids she likes, not necessarily only formula, and I have to be very diligent about it.

So that’s what I did. It’s like having a newborn all over again, where we try to give her some formula every two hours, and I make sure that she always has water in a sippy cup at hand. As I mentioned, she had had a total of 3 oz of formula at the time of the call, in mid-afternoon, but we managed to end up with a grand total of 12 oz by the time she went to bed, plus some sips of water here and there.

After putting her to bed, Claire woke up twice before we went to bed ourselves, but she didn’t want anything to drink either time, and then she slept through the whole night until 9 a.m., which is when I went in and woke her up. I wouldn’t normally wake her, but I figured she had gone long enough without fluids. She only drank 2.5 oz first thing, but did follow it up with 4 oz of water. Just to make sure, I called 811 and described everything. Since Claire was still playing and moving around and there were no signs of dehydration, the nurse confirmed that she could continue being treated at home. I got some more advice about the saline mist and using the aspirator (for instance, I might have to use the mist a few times in one sitting), and this nurse said that although I should focus on fluids, I could offer her some food if she wanted it. She hasn’t had much today, but I did give her some chicken broth at supper and a few pieces off our pizza.

And I just heard the best thing I’ve heard the past couple of days. Neal had made up a bottle with about 7 or so ounces of formula for bedtime. Normally she drinks 10, but the past couple of nights we’ve been lucky if we get 4 or 5 ounces into her before bed. I was just typing up this entry when I heard Neal call my name. I went in and he said, “Do you think you could make her some more?”

She drank it all! It doesn’t sound like she’s drinking any of the bottle I just brought into them, but honestly, I’m just happy she drank 7+ ounces in one sitting!

It’s been a long week. I knew it would not be pleasant when Claire got sick with a cold, but fuck, I was not prepared for this. I expected a crankier, sniffly baby. Not a baby who refused to eat. I will be happy when we turn this corner and everything can return to normal!

(And in a side note, this stupid cold obviously misunderstood. A couple of days ago, I said – on Facebook – that this stupid cold should pick on someone its own size, namely me. I meant that it should infect me and leave Claire alone. Not infect me and Neal and continue bothering Claire. Sigh.)

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Lil’ Snuffleupagus

Posted on February 21, 2012 by amanda

Updated

Well, it’s happened. The thing that every mother dreads but knows is inevitable. Claire is going through her first cold – or, I should say, the cold is going through her.

It started on the weekend. I think it was Saturday night that she sounded congested while drinking her bottle, and she was pretty cranky. It’s been downhill since then. Yesterday was worse than the day before, and today it’s worse than it was yesterday. Although she’s obviously pretty tired and rundown, her mood is pretty good, considering. She still plays with her toys, she still laughs. But her nose is running almost constantly (I am thankful that it’s at least running and therefore the crap is coming out of her, but I know it’s still not pleasant), and today she is not interested in any food at all. She normally has a piece of buttered toast cut up into small pieces for breakfast followed by a little bit of cereal with fruit mixed in. Like most kids, Claire LOVES toast. Except for today. She ate a few small pieces, then swept the rest to the floor. I understand – she’s congested and toast involves a little bit more chewing/mashing up. So I decided to try her with just the cereal – she just needs to swallow that down. But after a few spoonfuls, she started trying to hit the spoon. She’s just not interested. I tried her with a bottle a couple of times, but of course, that’s not going over well because it’s just too hard for her to suck on the bottle with her nose all blocked up. She did drink a bunch of water this morning, so I tried putting some formula in a sippy cup, but she only drank a small amount and gave up.

The only thing she ate were a bunch of those Gerber Graduates Puffs. She’ll eat that stuff any time. She may very well end up subsisting on those crackers for the next day or two. At least it’s something, and they are made with real fruit/veggies.

The plan is to have some of my homemade broccoli soup for lunch today. Again, it’s something easy for her to eat because it’s pureed and therefore does not involve any kind of chewing. But given how she reacted to the cereal, I’m not holding out for too much.

I’ve been spraying a saline mist in her nose a couple of times and she screams bloody murder. She normally doesn’t mind the aspirator, but now she hates it. She doesn’t have a fever – yet – but I’m checking two or three times a day. I’m very happy we saw the sale on ear thermometers that time because it’s much faster than the armpit method.

She’s coughing and much more restless at night. We heard her make a few whimpering sounds last night while we were sleeping, but thankfully she managed to put herself back to sleep. As it was, we ended up having to let her put herself back to sleep last night during the evening; she had fallen asleep while having her bottle, but only five minutes later she woke up screaming. She wasn’t screaming when we put her in her crib to let her fall asleep on her own, but she wasn’t happy either. But she wasn’t happy in my arms or Neal’s arms either.

It is AWFUL. I have never felt more helpless in my life. I called my sister this morning to make sure I don’t need to worry about the lack of eating, and honestly, I was choking back tears at the beginning. Claire is a generally happy baby with a good appetite.

The Update: She did, in fact, eat all of the soup I gave to her at lunch, plus a couple of extra spoonfuls from my own bowl. She also drank 10 oz of her formula down, fairly quickly, when I put her down for a nap a few minutes ago.

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Italian Hillside Garden Soup

Posted on February 14, 2012 by amanda

I was going to provide you with a link to the cookbook where I found this recipe, but alas, I can’t seem to find it online anywhere, despite the fact that Neal and I just got it for Christmas this year from Brian and Jaime. Anyway, it’s the Crock Pot 4-cookbooks-in-one book (appetizers, soups and stews, side dishes and main dishes).

On Sunday, I decided to make a soup that would serve as our lunch for a few days this week. I was making Shepherd’s pie for supper that night, so for once, I wasn’t using the slow cooker for that meal. Unfortunately, it wasn’t ready for Sunday’s lunch, so we had to smell this soup simmering away for the better part of the day and still wait until Monday to try it. It was way worth it!

This is a very tasty and hearty soup. I did change it up a bit – because hey, are there any meals these days that I don’t tweak to suit our tastes? For instance, I didn’t put celery in – I hate buying celery, because the recipe never calls for much, and they it just sits in my fridge getting limp until i finally throw it into the compost bin, grumbling to myself. Also, they called for 2 cans (14 oz each) of chicken broth, but I couldn’t find any such-sized cans, so I opted to use a 900mL box of broth and measured out 850 mL (as that is the equivalent). Finally, they called for 1/4 teaspoon of garlic… Um, what would be the point? Would anyone really be able to taste such a measly amount of garlic? We LOVE garlic in this house, so I definitely added more. I actually don’t remember how much I put in, but I’m thinking it was somewhere around 1-1/2 teaspoons.

Here you go (tweaked from the book version):

1 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup chopped green bell pepper
1 cup onion
1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (15.5 oz) navy beans, drained and rinsed
1 medium zucchini, chopped
1 cup frozen green beans, thawed
850mL prepared chicken broth (I used sodium-reduced)
1.5 tsp (or more?) garlic powder
Pepper to taste
1 package (9 oz) refrigerated tortellini pasta (meat- or cheese-filled)
3 Tbsp fresh chopped basil or 3 tsp dried basil
Grated Asiago or Parm cheese (optional – and I have actually forgotten about this, and it was still excellent)

1) Heat oil in large skillet over medium-high heat until hot. Add bell pepper and onion. Cook and stir 4 minutes or until onions are translucent. Transfer to slow cooker.

2) Add tomatoes with juice, navy beans, zucchini, green beans, broth, garlic powder and pepper. Cover; cook on LOW 7 hours or HIGH 3.5 hours

3) Turn slow cooker to HIGH. Add tortellini and basil and cook 20 to 25 minutes longer or until pasta is tender. Garnish each serving with cheese.

Makes 6 servings

Seriously DE-LISH. Even Claire gobbles down a bunch that is roughly equivalent to half of my own serving (hers, of course, is cut up nice and small before she eats it!), and she would probably eat more if I offered it to her. But, you know, this is supposed to be 6 servings and besides, you have to leave room for dessert, right? (As in fruit for her)

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Have I Ever Mentioned That I Hate Making Decisions?

Posted on February 11, 2012 by amanda

As I mentioned here, Claire and I met with the director of her future daycare this week, and it went really well. Near the end of the meeting, the director told me that I have some choice when it comes to when we start bringing Claire.

Included in the deposit (which is the equivalent of one week of daycare) is the orientation. On the Tuesday of this orientation, I will go in with Claire for an hour, she’ll play, and then we will both leave. On the Wednesday, I drop her off, by herself (GASP, WHEEZE) for an hour while I go cry in the car/go have a cup of tea at Tim Horton’s (and probably cry). After that, we will determine what Thursday and Friday will look like, but I am thinking it will be something like dropping her off for half a day on Thursday and then a whole day on Friday. I had heard about these orientation weeks, and really like the idea; although she is still going to have to adjust after that, at least it eases Claire into the situation a little bit.

Here is where the decision comes in. We can either do the orientation the week before I go back to work – which is what I had originally planned – or we can start the orientation two weeks before, and then do a “trial run” the week before I go back to work. The director said that for one thing, we could make the days slightly shorter for Claire (so, for instance, I could drive Neal into work first, then drop her off, and in the afternoon pick her up first and then go get Neal – at most this would probably amount to an hour off her day). For another, it could give me some time to myself to, I don’t know, get my hair done, buy some work clothes (because god knows most of my pre-pregnancy work clothes ain’t gonna fit this body – sigh), cook and freeze a bunch of meals for when I first go back to work… That deposit I paid can either pay for this trial run week, or it can pay for my first week back to work if I do what I had originally planned.

So, allow me to be selfish for a minute. I HATE the idea. I have to give up a week with my daughter when I’m about to go back to work and my time with her is drastically reduced? Sure, I can go and get my hair done and pick up some clothes, and maybe cook a few meals, but then what? I cannot imagine being in this house alone all day with no giggling, crawling, babbling baby following me around room to room. I usually pick up groceries by myself on Thursday evenings after supper while Neal stays home with Claire, and it is not uncommon for me to start missing her like crazy as I pick up the last few items on my list. After being home with her all day.

I don’t need a week by myself to get shit done before I return to work. Neal is more than capable of staying home with our daughter while I go to the hair salon to get a haircut, and ditto for me going out to the mall to get some clothes. I might make a few soups to bring to work for lunch, but I can do that with Claire at home, or even on the Thursday or Friday of the orientation week. I had every intention of cooking and freezing a bunch of meals when I was home at the end of my pregnancy, but despite being bored and impatient, I made a few soups and called it a day. I doubt it will be much different now.

So, all of this is leading me to believe that my decision should be to skip the “trial run” week, and just do the orientation bit the week before I return to work. Except… what’s best for Claire? The director also mentioned that it can help with getting the baby adjusted, but I honestly can’t see how much of a difference it will make. If it’s going to take her a month or two months to adjust to going to daycare, it’s not really going to make a difference if she starts a week early or not. Yes, I could make the days a little shorter, but like I said, we’re probably looking at an hour at most. Will an almost-year-old really know that Mommy came a little early? Doubtful.

I feel like I’ve made my decision – just start the orientation the week before and forget about the trial run – but I keep having this doubt in the back of my mind asking, “But what is the best thing for Claire?”

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Daycare – Might Not Be So Bad?

Posted on February 8, 2012 by amanda

Claire and I met the director of the daycare she will be attending once April rolls around. We were supposed to go last Thursday, and Neal had arranged to have the day off, but on Wednesday afternoon, the director called, apologizing profusely, to say that she was coming down with a flu and doubted she would be in the next day. When I mentioned that my husband had taken the day off, she said she would come in, but I assured her that it was fine. I mean, people get sick. She said that she rarely gets sick; running a daycare centre for over 20 years gives you one hell of an immune system.

Neal ended up not being able to take Tuesday off, so he got a lift into work with a coworker and Claire and I headed over for our appointment at 9:30. I have to admit that I was a little nervous – the night before, I had some trouble falling asleep. We had arranged a spot for Claire at this daycare, and paid the deposit, back when I was still pregnant. As protective as I was of my baby back then, I am definitely even more so now. What if I walked in and hated the place? The deposit is refundable as long as we provide enough notice, but then we would be starting from scratch, and it is insanely difficult to find daycares that will accept babies under 18 months old. If you factor in location and price, it becomes even more so. Those were things I really looked for when I found this place – the location is good whether Neal is home or sailing on a ship, and although it is certainly NOT cheap, it is cheaper than the other daycare centres that accepts young babies.

I did not need to worry. The director is a warm, loving woman who obviously still loves her job – and the kids under her care – very much. She went through all of the centre’s policies, and I did not have problems with any of them. She took Claire and I on a tour of the centre (and ohmygod, the place was brimming over with cuteness!). They have a strong focus on outdoor activity (the director told me that they don’t recommend parents send their kids in their “good” clothes because not only do they have food to stain their clothes, but dirt, mud, paint, etc), which is very important to me. The kids get homemade meals for lunch and snacks (including things like lasagna – me thinks my daughter will be eating better lunches than me!).

Near the end of our meeting, the director also picked Claire up, and Claire took right to her, snuggling in and giving her one of those hugs that just make my heart soar. Of course, Claire probably would have freaked out had the woman picked her up at the beginning of the meeting, but that’s to be expected when meeting strangers. I just felt like Claire was giving her stamp of approval – we’ll just ignore the fact that she would probably have a completely different opinion had she known what was actually going on.

I only cried once, when the director was talking about the orientation week and how I would probably go sit in the car and shed a few tears. But I left there feeling really good about the place. It’s not going to be easy, but at least I know that Claire will be going to a fun, educational place. I would never knock SAHMs – I was raised by one and always intended to be one myself – but I can also see the positive side of daycare. These are people who have degrees in early childhood education, so she might learn more at an earlier age. I see Claire’s social skills improving already by spending time with other kids when we go to the weekly library program. I don’t like the thought of only getting a few hours in the evenings and weekends to spend with Claire, but part of me (the Non-Mom part) is looking forward to going back to work. I do feel it is important for Claire to see her mother have a career.

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How to Spend a Rainy Day

Posted on January 24, 2012 by amanda

After a couple of days of sudden winter weather, we had a return to spring today. But although the temperature was great (I think it went up to 9 degrees Celsius!), it poured rain ALL.DAY.LONG. It basically looked like this all day,

except that it’s not raining in that picture, but trust me – it was very wet outside. So there was no chance for Claire and I to go for a walk. I’ve been noticing a need building up inside me to get outside and get some sunshine (or even grey, cloudy light), but today was not going to be the day.

I spent the day getting a few chores done, mostly things like moving our plastic containers to a different spot and reorganizing the cupboard they vacated and cleaning the mirror in the living room that I always forget about – chores I don’t undertake very often. But I also swept and did load after load after load of laundry, and did the dishes. And, of course, I played with my little helper!

It was also a good day for napping – Claire took two, when she is usually a single-napper kind of gal, although they were each for an hour, so she got her usual two hours anyway.

Hanging out with Charles Barkley pre-nap.

She has suddenly started sticking her tongue out. I, of course, have nothing to do with this.

And it was a day that saw me wanting to bake. This does not happen very often. I enjoy baked goods, but I hate baking and since it’s basically just Neal and I eating them at this point, I don’t really like having them in the house. Because we’re the only ones eating them, and I’m still trying to lose pregnancy weight!

But today, with the grey, gloomy skies, the rain pouring down, breathing in stale indoor air, I felt the need to bake something. So I made some Cinnamon muffins (Sherry’s recipe) while Claire was napping.

And made myself a cup of tea to help wash one down.

But of course, Claire woke up from her nap just when I was going to sit down to enjoy my tea and muffin, so I ended up sharing – the muffin, not the tea, though she did keep eyeing my cup.

She’s still perfecting her pincer grasp, though, so more of it ended up on her lap than in her belly. I finally gave up and gave her some Gerber Graduates Puffs as they are easier for her to grasp.

Then Neal came home, so Claire got to play her version of “tea party” with Daddy – this generally involves throwing the cups around, chewing on the saucers, and tipping the lid of the teapot around and around and around so that all you hear is the annoying high-pitched chime that drives me bonkers.

The lid has mysteriously disappeared following this picture. I, of course, played no more part in the disappearance than I do in Claire’s fascination with sticking her tongue out.

A grey gloomy day is definitely improved by having a wonderful 9-month-old little girl with whom to spend it. Watch this video and you’ll see why*

* Claire always smiles when she sneezes, and she apparently thinks it’s hilarious when we pretend to sneeze. The best part of this is when she tries to imitate us!

Posted in Baby Talk, The Domestic Life | 1 Comment

Making Some Headway

Posted on January 19, 2012 by amanda

Awhile ago – we’re probably talking about a few months at this point – I mentioned that our local community centre offers a babysitting program at a reasonable rate. I had always intended to bring Claire to this service once I felt she was old enough – which I had, while pregnant, figured would be around 4 months.

And yet, it’s funny how you can come up with a multitude of excuses to keep you from doing something you don’t want to do, isn’t it? It’s also funny how, no matter how attached you are to your baby when she’s inside you, you have no clue how attached you will become once you lay your eyes on that little miracle, and how that attachment grows and grows and grows.

I can use the excuse that even by 4 months, Claire was showing signs of separation anxiety and not reacting well to strangers. But really, that should have just prodded me to hurry the hell up. How can you leave your child with strangers when you know it’s only going to make her scream? So week after week went by, with it never being the ‘right time’ to bring her.

Then, all of a sudden, Claire hit the 9-month mark. I was suddenly only too aware that I was now in the last three months of my maternity leave, and daycare loomed before us. Although it’s true that Sherry and her family moved to Halifax in July, we haven’t left Claire with them. There are a few reasons for that: after having lived here for six years without any family, I’m just not used to them being around; when Sherry and her family first arrived, I didn’t really want to start asking for babysitting help as I knew that they were settling into their new lives here and Sherry was settling into her reentry into the workforce; and finally, I’ve always been terrible at asking for help – I hate it, pure and simple, and will often try to do things myself rather than ask for aid.

So that has left us with a child who is used to being cared for solely by Neal and I. Neal’s parents watched Claire on one occasion, but she was napping for most of it and probably didn’t even know we were gone. Nina watched her when we went to my Christmas party. And that… sums up care by others in these first nine months of Claire’s life.

Obviously, this is a problem since I’m going back to work and Claire is going to daycare on April 2nd. Last week, I finally bit the bullet and brought Claire to the babysitting service on Friday. For a half-hour.

It was awful.

There was only one other child there; the girl was only a little bit older than Claire, so I hoped that they would be able to distract each other. I put her in the little section for non-walking babies, gave her some toys, and went to the library next door. I was gone for maybe ten or so minutes when the woman in the daycare called me on my cell (she was by herself that day, so she couldn’t come get me).

Now, this may have been my fault. I had explained to the woman that Claire isn’t used to being cared for by strangers, and that she might get upset. The woman, giving me a worried look, told me that since she was by herself that day, she wouldn’t be able to come find me, so I gave her my cell number. What I didn’t explain was that she was only to call me if there was an actual problem.

I guess Claire had been fine at first, but then she started to move towards the other baby, so the woman moved Claire away. I’m not sure why, if she had any reason to think that, I don’t know, Claire was going to harm the other baby, but that was when Claire realized that Mommy wasn’t there. Claire is a pretty good-natured little girl, but letmetellyou, when she’s pissed, she’s PISSED. That red-headed temper really comes out!

Maybe I should have told the woman to deal with the situation (said in a nicer way), but the woman hadn’t given me the impression that she really wanted to be there that day, and I could hear my daughter SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF in the background. So, of course, I went over. It went against everything I have read about separation anxiety. If you keep going back in because your child is crying (once your child is a certain age), when nothing really is wrong except that they want you, your child starts thinking that if she throws a temper tantrum, you’ll come running. And that might be fine… until they’re in an actual daycare and you’re at work. Suddenly they have to learn that that’s not always the case.

It took me awhile to calm her down. I got her somewhat calmed, told the woman I was just going to check out the books I had shoved at the librarian in my haste to get next door to my child, and put Claire back in the section. Even when we got home, Claire was in an awful mood. She didn’t want her lunch; she only wanted her bottle and a nap.

It just drained me of energy, and I started to feel really anxious about my return to work. Bringing her to Cole Harbour Place was intended to ease Claire into care by strangers, and I worried that this option wouldn’t be open to me. I started grasping at offers that had been thrown out to me, swallowed down my pride, and started asking for help. I talked to Neal about it and decided a few things:

1) The wife of the lawyer I work with had offered to watch Claire sometime so that Neal and I could go out somewhere. I emailed her and told her that I’d probably be taking her up on that offer soon, probably next month.

2) Sherry and George gave Neal and I a gift certificate for Boston Pizza. Sherry had mentioned that we could either take Claire with us, or we could drop her off at their place and we could go the two of us. I hadn’t really decided what we were going to do, but now we are going to get Sherry to watch Claire for us.

3) There’s a 16-or-so-year-old who lives across the street. I don’t actually know the people too well, but we’re going to go pay them a visit sometime and see if the girl is interested in babysitting for us once in awhile. The conversation should hopefully give us an idea of whether we want her to do so. I also figure it’s pretty good because if she has any problems, her parents are right across the street.

And, although last Friday’s experience was less than desirable, I brought Claire back to Cole Harbour Place. This time, I didn’t say anything (although that same woman was there today, but she was joined by another woman). I mentioned i was going to the library, but you have to tell them where you’re going in the building in case of emergency. I found a table in the library and started doing some research, checking my watch every 2.5 seconds or so.

After about 10 minutes, that same woman who called me last Friday came in and told me that Claire was crying and was really upset. As much as it killed me to do so, I explained that I’m trying to get her ready for daycare. I told her that she would find a bottle of formula as well as a package of rice rusks in the diaper bag. The woman went back to the daycare. I barely kept myself in my seat, only paying attention to what I read in a half-assed way.

When I did go in, at the end of my half-hour, Claire was sitting on the lap of the other lady. She didn’t look happy, but she wasn’t screaming and crying either. They had managed to calm her down by giving her part of a bottle and singing some songs to her. We came home and she acted like nothing terrible had happened. She ate her lunch. She took a bottle and had a two-hour nap.

We both survived. And we’ll probably do it again next week.

The woman who had calmed her down today did mention that Claire has a really high-pitched scream. Oh hell yes, lady, I KNOW.

Posted in Baby Talk, Guilt trips, Mommyhood | 1 Comment

April Two

Posted on January 12, 2012 by amanda

Normally, I work on my writing when Claire is napping, but today I need to post here so that I can wrap my head around the fact that I will be returning to work on…

Monday, April 2, 2012.

**Gasp**Wheeze**

I feel like I should be prepared for this. It’s not an earlier return than I had anticipated – I always knew it would be end-of-March/early-April. I am well aware of how fortunate I am. I was just looking up what the maternity/parental leave benefits are for the US, and it doesn’t really seem to make a whole lot of sense, but it seems like you get (for the most part) 12 weeks of job protection, but unpaid (except, I imagine, if your employer is nice enough to pay you), with some exceptions depending on state. It’s a little vague to me.

In Canada (for the most part; as usual, Quebec likes to be different), you get 50 weeks paid maternity/parental leave (this works out to be 55% of your income paid by the government). The maternity leave is made up of 15 weeks and can only be taken by the mother. The parental leave is 35 weeks, and can be shared by both parents. You also get 2 weeks of job protection, but that’s considered to be the “waiting period”, so you don’t actually get paid for that.

I was even more fortunate because, thanks to a shitload of banked hours I had accumulated, plus vacation time, I was able to leave work on March 18th and get paid until the beginning of April.

So… yeah. I get it. I’m lucky.

And yet, here we are in January. I was able to think about my return to work with greater ease a few months ago because it was still so far away. Now it’s not. A couple of hours ago, I received an email from my office manager asking me for a return date (apologetically, since she knows it’s probably the last thing I wanted to think about, but they do have to make some plans), and after figuring it out on the Service Canada website, I emailed her back with the date of April 2nd. Thank goodness it’s a short week, because Easter falls on that next weekend. Another thing that makes me… fortunate.

Neal has told me a few times that I don’t have to go back to work; we could make do. I’m not entirely convinced, but even if we could, I don’t want to simply be “making do”. We are not big spenders; we don’t go out very much, but I do like knowing that we have enough money. I don’t want to be wringing my hands, wondering what to make for supper because I don’t know what we can afford to buy. I want to keep our debt to a minimum. Money has always been something that concerns me, and being a foreclosure paralegal has only increased the paranoia, so it’s important to me that we be comfortable. And even though daycare is ridiculously expensive, it still makes sense for me to go back to work.

I also really enjoy my job and where I work. The people are great, I find my work to be interesting, and I have very rarely (if ever) dreaded going to work. Sure, there were mornings when I would have preferred to roll over in bed and gone back to sleep, but I don’t dread it.

What bothers me about going back to work is that I am going to have, maybe, two hours with Claire during the week, and the weekends. That’s it. I’m going to go from spending all day, everyday, with my daughter to… THAT?

Yesterday, at the free “Babies and Tots” program at the library, I witness something that both warmed my heart and made it feel like someone was tightening a vice around it. Claire and I had been going to “Baby’s First Books” at the end of last year, but the program ended, and the library decided that rather than extending that, they would put babies in with kids up to 36 months. Yesterday was the first day of this new program. At the end of last year, Claire wasn’t crawling yet; now she is.

At first, she was content to sit on my lap while the lady running the program sang and read stories, but then I could tell that she was itching to be down on her own. There were two large quilts on the floor surrounded by chairs so that kids could sit on the blankets if they wanted to. I put Claire down on the floor and waited. She was a little tentative at first, looking at all of the other kids, most of whom were older than her (the babies tended to stay near their parents). And then, all of a sudden, she started to move forward, right into the fray. Sure, I was mildly concerned that a 3-year-old wouldn’t notice her and would step on her fingers or something, but I knew I had to swallow my own fear and let her go.

How can I describe how that sight made me feel? Proud at how she left me and went to see the lady who, at this point, was holding a dog puppet, and then later crawled over to the box of toys to pick something out.

And heartbroken that my daughter is showing more and more signs of independence.

It made me think of daycare, and how she will spend her days with other kids (though presumably not so much 3-year-olds as they have different rooms for kids in different age groups). It made me think about how I will have to let her go and figure things out on her own. It made me realize that soon I won’t be able to just pick my daughter up whenever she needs a hug – or when I need one.

That sight, together with working out when I will be going back to work, has made me feel very… sombre. today.

Posted in Baby Talk, Mommyhood, Real Life | 2 Comments

Resolutions

Posted on January 2, 2012 by amanda

I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions. I just don’t see the point, most of the time – people usually end up breaking them.

But this year, I happened to think of a few changes I would like to make to my life. In no particular order:

1) Jumping on my sister’s bandwagon, I’d like to do more yoga. I’ve always enjoyed it when I do make the time. I’ve been using a particular DVD lately and although I’m not running or making any fast movements, I still end up sweating. It’s a bit of a reminder that yoga is, after all, a workout. I also love how it focuses my mind as I work on each position. You can get that to some extend by doing cardio, but it’s not the same, particularly when you’re doing a balancing sequence! In addition, I figure it might be good for the stiffness and aches I’ve been feeling for the last few months, since it doesn’t appear to have anything to do with my thyroid. And hey – have you ever looked at the people who do yoga pretty regularly? If I can have a body and the flexibility they do (or even a faint resemblance!), I will be a very happy woman.

2) I’m not going to start dieting, although I would be lying if I said that I’m perfectly happy with my body as it is now. I know, I know, it’s only been nine months since I had a baby. I’m trying to accept what I see in the mirror, and in fact, I went out today and bought a couple more pairs of jeans in my size, rather than just relying on my one pair of cheap ones to get me through until I get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was finding that through the week when I’d be home and not going anywhere except maybe for a walk with Claire, I would wear my track pants or jogging pants, and then I’d have to make sure my jeans were washed for any outings. Um, that’s just not acceptable. I’ve only had that pair for a few months and they’re already starting to look a little ratty. I want to improve my body (which I plan to do partly with yoga, as mentioned in #1), but I need to accept what I have now and buy clothes that I can feel comfortable in.

3) As I mentioned, I’m not going to start dieting. For the most part, we eat pretty healthy around here. Oh sure, we munch on some chips on weekends and I like to have a couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine on the weekends as well, but otherwise, I try to eat well. I love veggies, so that’s not so hard. I do find it hard to fit fruit into my life. Thankfully, I have a baby to help me with that. I want her to have fruit, but obviously she can’t eat an entire apple, so I share it with her. Also, we had fallen into a bit of a rut when it came to vegetables. When I made them as a side (as opposed to throwing them in with the main dish, such as with a soup or stew), I was stuck on carrots, broccoli, and occasionally green beans. Now that Claire is eating more food, I want to expose her to different types of vegetables, so I’m going to start cooking things like squash, turnip and… whatever else is out there and good. Obviously I have some research ahead of me!

4) On a similar note, I want to start including at least a vegetarian meal at least once a month. I know that’s not a lot to anyone who is vegetarian or eats a lot of vegetarian food, but I grew up as a meat and potatoes kind of girl. I still do love meat and potatoes, and I will never EVER give up meat forever, but I do think I could start minimizing how much I consume. So I’ll start with once per month, and as I find recipes I really enjoy, I’m sure I’ll start including more.

And that’s about it. I imagine I will think of more things as the year progresses, but those are some things I thought of recently.

Are you making resolutions for the new year? If so, what are they?

Posted in Stuff | 2 Comments