Why I can’t take part in the rapture

So according to a bunch of lunatics, er, I mean people who have used intense mathematical skills in conjunction with the Bible, the world is going to hit the start of the End Days on May 21st (conveniently at 6 pm for each time zone as opposed to just all at once at a surprise time). Those who are saved will enjoy The Rapture, floating up to Heaven…

… while the rest of us are forced to stay behind like badly behaved children. Yes, I am assuming that I will not be “raptured”. I looked at the flow chart. Far too many strikes against me.

(click for full size to see where you stand)

Anyway, that’s fine. I have little to fear as I have seen many zombie movies, disaster films, and post-apocalyptic movies so I’m sure I’ll fare reasonably well once everything gets going. And really, I don’t want to be raptured anyway. Here are some of the reasons why in no particular order:

  1. I still haven’t see the season finale of Criminal Minds. I need to know how they end this season.
  2. And speaking of zombies, what about The Walking Dead? I’m pretty obsessed with that show and need to know what’s going to happen next season.
  3. I’m in the middle of reading Divergent which is not quite as good as the whole The Hunger Games trilogy but it’s still highly entertaining and I’d hate to get pulled away from it when I’m only about halfway through it.
  4. The final Harry Potter movie doesn’t come out until July. If I can make to a theater with a good generator I’ll be able to see if they did the last book justice.
  5. I just did my French telephone interview for my Halifax job and I passed it; I have to stick around for the English telephone interview, no time for rapturing!
  6. And hello? Halifax! I mean, sure I could still go but if the roads are all shot to hell we’re going to have to try to get our hands on a tank to make it there and I’m not sure if those are compatible with Breanna’s booster seat.
  7. I have firm plans to do a bit of post-rapture looting. I’ve got my eye on a few nice camera lenses, a flat screen television, the Kinect system, and a new laptop that doesn’t blue-screen on me once a day.
  8. I’ve been progressing so nicely with my yoga, it would be a shame to stop now. I mean look at the crazy stuff I can do! (And ignore my voice and the Canadian accent that goes with it)
  9. I have a lot of crap to take care of on my to-do list on Saturday and frankly I’m just not going to feel like going all the way up to the sky by 6 pm.
  10. I’d hate to think all the mountains of laundry I’ve done in the past week or so have been a waste.

So clearly I just can’t be raptured on Saturday even if I was eligible. I’m a very busy person you know.

Are you going or staying?

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12 thoughts on “Why I can’t take part in the rapture

  1. Almost 8:00pm here so I’m assuming the rapture is over and … alas … I’m left behind … as I knew I would be. I guess I could walk around the neighborhood and see if any of the clothes left behind actually fit me. I took my wife out to dinner expecting to whisk off before I had to pay the bill … but … that never happened. I ate junk food all last night figuring I’d be gone before my physical next week … but … extra weight, here we come. I don’t suppose this rapture business is done alphabetically? “W” is way at the end. Maybe my time is a bit later. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  2. Wait. I thought it was over. You mean we could just be left behind and not know it happened? Wow.

  3. Sherry, this is priceless. I don’t think I would have been chosen either. I guess now we have to wait until Oct. 21st. We were at a softball tournment, which our team won, and it was 10 minutes to 6 and all the girls started a countdown and at 6:01 they all started cheering ” we are alive”. Anyway you have such a great sense of humor. Whenever I am feeling down I think I will pop in here.

  4. Just wanted to admire your yoga video. You’ve inspired me to try out some of those more challenging poses. :)

    (I have absolutely no idea how I got here, but I suspect twitter.)

  5. When nothing happened, the guy doing all the calculating made a few corrections. So far he has picked Oct 21 and Dec 21 (???). Yeah, I don’t get it either.
    Maybe you could get 5 dice. First roll 2 of them, add the total and that can be the month (no January, but it is probably too cold anyway). Then roll 5 of them, add the total and that can be the day (no 31). I suppose if you have a serious like for January or 31 or both … just pick them instead.
    Science. Ya gotta love it. Oh wait, that wasn’t science.

  6. Well, looks like I missed the cut… Which was good as I enjoyed your yoga video! And your professional site :)

  7. I’m here by way of Tiffany–and I love this post! The Jesus with a vaccuum cleaner is funny as hell (or heaven)–even moreso than the flowchart! And yes, I’ve done the flowchart, I wouldn’t have been raptured on the 21st, because I had recently shaved my beard!

    Your yoga moves are amazing–I envy you!

    Your “reasons for staying”, though humorous, are actually quite in-line with Christian teachings. Throughout the New Testament, Christians are urged to go about their usual business, and not wait for the Rapture because it’s not in their hands, and it’s not their business to guess what Jesus doesn’t even know–the hour of the Rapture.

    And there are two stories in Ray Bradbury’s book, “The Illustrated Man”, which have a similar take on the end of the world–one entitled, “The Highway”, and another entitled (appropriately enough), “The Last Night of the World.” Though these are old stories, they’re applicable in any era.

  8. I’ve got to say, you make it look easy. Casual almost. I tried, just for the heck of it (you made it look like a hoot to do!) – and oh lordy! It takes some time (and a bit of sweat, in this hot weather) just to pull it off. Next step; not to look like a complete boob while doing it! :)

    I hope you’re doing okay and are enjoying the wonderful changes in your life right now! Take your time and let every single second sink in… ;)

    All the best!

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