Grace has started up an interesting conversation about race/ethnicity. It revolves around whether or not it’s ever okay to ask someone what theirs is, or whether it’s just rude. She has her answers over there. She also asked us to answer them as well.
Honestly? I really think it is. But it depends on a few things. For one, I wouldn’t ask someone that I saw in line at the bank or someone that I’ve met all of five minutes ago. I think it’s rude to go up to a stranger and ask something personal.
I also think it depends on how you’re asking. If someone is asking with a sneer, or by turning a charming phrase like, “What ARE you?” then no, it’s not okay. I would like to think that people aren’t that clueless but of course there are bound to be ignorant idiots everywhere so odds are there are indeed people who would ask like that.
If it’s asked in a polite way, in a genuinely curious way, I don’t think it’s bad. I live in Montreal. It’s a very multi-cultural city. There are so many different ethnicities in this city that it is amazing. It’s not hard to raise kids who are used to seeing different skin tones and hearing different languages. I think it’s only natural for people to get curious sometimes. Also, with more and more people having inter-racial relationships and thus having more bi-racial children, it can be an interesting conversation to find out what heritage someone’s family tree holds.
Like I already mentioned, I think it’s fine as long as your manner of questioning is respectful and genuine. If you truly want to know because you’re interested, great. It could be as simple as saying, “listen, I was wondering something and I hope you don’t mind if I ask. I’ve been wondering what your ethnicity is/what your racial background is.” Or if you know the broad answer but can’t narrow it down, maybe something like “I know that you’re Asian, but I was wondering which specific race.”
Even if you were to flub it a bit, I think if you already know the person and you’re not being a dick, it will probably come out okay. As long as you aren’t wording it like I said above in #1, as long as you aren’t saying, “what the heck are you?” or something incredibly rude like “So, are you Chinese or Japanese, I can never tell the difference.” A little tact and respect go a long way.
The only thing that would probably stop me from asking would be if I didn’t know the person. If I’ve just been introduced to someone through a mutual friend at a BBQ one day, I’m not going to break the “nice weather” small talk with “so, what race are you?” If the person doesn’t know me they may perceive it as rude or might worry that I have an issue with their particular race. I wouldn’t want to make someone uncomfortable so I wouldn’t ask unless I had already gotten to know them a bit.
This doesn’t apply to me because I’m white. However, George has been asked and as far as I can tell, it doesn’t bother him. Again, I’m sure if the circumstances were fishy or if someone with a swastika on his forehead was asking it would be a different story, but in the time we’ve been together, people who have asked have been polite. On occasion people have been surprised to know that he’s black and have confessed that they thought he was Italian or maybe Egyptian because his skin is quite light, but that seemed to amuse him more than offend him.
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This all interests me because of the girls. My side is so freakin’ white. My heritage is English, Irish, and Scottish and it’s hard to get much whiter than that. On George’s side there’s some white here and there but mostly black. And so my kids are neither black nor white. I’ve often wondered what I’ll do with the inevitable forms that I have to fill out for them where it asks for race information. I’m really thinking of checking both boxes because that’s the best answer. Either that or not answering at all.
In the meantime, we get light-hearted about race around here. One day in the late summer or early fall, George and I were sitting on the couch with the kids. The sun was hitting me right in the face where it picked up the fact that I have a smattering of light freckles across the bridge of my nose and under my eyes. Apparently this was news.
George: When did you get all those freckles?!
Sherry: Um, what?
George: You have freckles! Since when?
Sherry: … Uh, since forever.
George: Really?
Sherry: You never noticed?!
George: No.
Sherry: … … … Oh my GOD, you’re black?!
George: Oh shut up!
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Ethnicity is still a sensitive subject and I do like to tread carefully because I am from the so-called privileged race. I’m the white girl, the Protestant, I’m the WASP and I don’t wish to offend. But I think that the more people who show a genuine curiosity in other races and ask questions like where their family line comes from originally, the more barriers we end up breaking down, and the better the world will be.
Maybe that’s idealistic. I hope it’s realistic.
I wish there were more people like you versus the ones Josh encounters (did you know? White men cannot possibly father Asian babies ZOMG without adopting them!!)
You are a riot!
My cousin who is biracial (white mother and black father) refuses to ever check one or the other on those forms. He always chooses other. I often wonder what I will tell my children to do since they will be biracial also. I think I like the other box best.
Here in the States we always asked to check the “box” for everything including school registration. Really makes me so angry. In fact I never check it anymore.
For some reason this is a big issue here. *Never* was one in Canada (from the TO area).
I have begun checking “Other” or “Mixed” on every form too.
Living in Southern California, I have come to believe that someone’s racial category says about as much about them as whether they like pink or green better. For instance “Latino” or “Hispanic” covers everything from people who arrived here 250 years ago from Spain and who haven’t spoken Spanish for 5 generations to people who just got here from Guatemala. What do those 2 people have in common to force them into a category together? It is totally ridiculous.
I’m always “other” and forms and I refuse to quantify further, even though I’m quite proud of the mix of heritages and ethnicities that make up who I am, I’m not interested in breaking it down for every demographic pirate on earth, including the U.S. (or any other) government.
As for asking about ethnicity, I’m to a point now where I don’t like being asked, because it’s not done with an interest about who I am and why I look like I do 99% of the time, it’s asked strictly in order to label and categorize me. And I’m not interested in being labeled and categorized that way, especially by strangers. If you know me and want to talk to me about who I am, that’s one thing. If you don’t, if we’re just casually acquainted or meeting at some event where we both happen to be? It’s just not your business any more. I’m brown. Live with it.
I am also your traditional “WASP” girl, but I have always felt fairly comfortable asking people this question. It tends to be something I don’t ask until I’ve known someone a little while, but I try to lead in with my own family history if I feel at all awkward. My great grandmother was full-blooded Arapaho tribe, but to look at me you’d never know it with my blonde hair, horrifically pale skin. I’ve been asked if I was originally born in Holland or Germany before. I had one friend who was half Japanese and half italian, but to most people he *really* looked Hispanic, so he was always correcting people, and was good natured about it.
I think my question is usually either “Can I ask what your racial background is?” or (in a mormon setting) “What’s your geneology background like?”
Interesting conversation. I’ve been asked this many times in my life and it all depends on who’s doing the asking, I think. But how it’s phrased goes a long way. Years ago I was working a job at the mall with a girl a few years younger than I, who actually asked me, “What are you?”
I wasn’t sure what she was asking. (Maybe she thought I was a Martian?) So she rephrased it “Are you Indian?”, which to this day, still confuses me. I was so shocked by the rudeness (nice New England girl that I am) that I didn’t stop to ask her what sort of Indian (Native American? Person from Bombay?) she meant.
I’m white too, mostly Italian, and I get all kinds of weird questions I never expect, which is a total mystery to me.
I’m intensely interested in where other peoples’ people came from (so much so that I studied anthropology in college), but being a nice New England girl, I am usually too shy to ask unless it comes up in natural conversation. That’s definitely the sort of question I was raised to believe is rude… though I don’t really think it is. But you know the old Robert Frost way of thinking — good fences make good neighbors. Definitely an outmoded way of thinking in our multicultural age.
I would personally never ask for somebody’s race, we’re all homo sapiens after all, and there is no other race of humans alive today.
As for heritage, yes, I find that the most interesting subject you can ever indulge yourself in.
Being the one always on the lookout for the next travel opportunity to exactly the good spot, I often ask people where they come from.
Like just now, I was in Chicago and started talking to the younglady at the drinks bar. She wanted to know where I was from and I asked her if she was a native Chicagoan, meaning to ask her opinion about some of Chicago’s heritage, history, museums etc… As I was in the process of reading about them.
She replied saying she was from Columbia, simple as that, nobody looked at us as a couple of racist freaks or whatever, she’s been in the US for 9 years, her mother moved in first and kept traveling back and forth until a certain momend she had her daughter sent over.
When we said goodbye on my last day she wished me farewell going to Indiana to play computer games. So yes, we did exchange information far beyond the things I wanted to know about Chicago. We even met in the bar downstairs when she got off work.
So is it natural for humans to be curious and to try and find out more about one another ? I think yes. Is that racism ? It does indeed depend on why you ask. If it is to work your prejudices against someone, then it could be racially motivated, if on the other hand you’re willing to dig deeper and try to dismantle some of those prejudices you hear from other people, go right ahead I would say.
But as the person being asked about your background, knowing what the other’s intentions are might be difficoult to find out.
For all you know that good looking asian girl around the corner might have lived in your country for as long as she can remember, along with her parents and grandparents, and as far as telling you her favorite asian dish or restaurant, she might not know anything more about asia than you do.
So looks may be deceiving, I would personally never use “I know you’re asian but…” since there is just no way of knowing.