This morning I was preparing my second cup of coffee (and honestly, I could use another two or three today if only it didn’t make me shake and feel like crap after the first two) while holding Breanna. She was staring with big, curious eyes while I spooned out the coffee and measured the sugar so I explained it to her.
“You see, Breanna, this is my religion. I don’t have to go to a church or read a holy book. It’s quite simple in that sense. But the Church of Coffee is still demanding.
“First of all, like the Christian God, the Coffee God is a jealous God. Do not forsake it to cozy up to a cup of morning tea. Do not worship the much lower demi-god of decaf. They are nothing but empty idols who will not carry you like the Coffee God does. You will be left tired and broken.
“There’s also a serious time commitment. While you are free to worship from home, it must be done much more frequently than your average once-a-week-on-Sunday worship at the local church. You must worship every day. EVERY DAY. Do not fail to worship your coffee every morning, for if you do not bow before the Mug Of Steaming Beans, the Coffee God will be angry and He will smite you with a nasty headache.
“If you wish, you can join other coffee worshippers at a shockingly wide variety of churches – Tim Horton’s, Second Cup, Starbucks, even small privately owned cafes. The nice part of this religion though, is you can feel free to just worship privately in the comforts of your own home. You can convert others and share your faith with them by brewing up a pot of coffee or you can be a solitary practitioner with a single cup of instant.
“Just like many major religions offer slightly different denominations, there are many spiritual coffee paths that you can choose to explore: Regular coffee, flavored coffee, black coffee, coffee with sugar, artificially sweetened coffee, coffee with milk, coffee with flavored creamers… If you seek frilly religion, you can seek out the lessons of the latte,the cappucino, and the high priest, the espresso.
“Somewhat similar to a cult, the religion of Coffee is reluctant to let you go. Once you become involved in the church, you will find it very difficult to leave, but you will likely find you have little desire to escape anyway.
“Be sure you are serious before starting a relationship with the Coffee God and enter into the sacred covenant of coffee-making with caution. However, rest assured that once you have entered the church, salvation is always only a cup away.”
Yawn. Forget my normal two-cup limit. I’m so tired today that I think I have to take communion for a third time after lunch.