When you have a baby, there’s one common question that seems to come up all the time. Everyone seems to ask, “So, is she a good baby?” I know that when they ask, they fully expect to hear a jubilant “yes!” and maybe a few details like how many hours the baby sleeps at night or how many naps a day she takes – because the whole good vs. bad seems to revolve around sleep, even if the poor thing is only two weeks old.

I hate that question. I think it’s probably some reflex that makes people ask, but I still hate it with a passion. Hayley was a horrible sleeper, and still has a tendency to fight sleep like it’s a life or death battle, but she wasn’t a BAD baby. Breanna sleeps three or four hours at a time at night and (if left alone by her noisy big sister) will take a two hour nap twice a day on top of little half hour snoozes, but that isn’t what determines her to be a GOOD baby. Both my kids are good.

So I’ve always had the horrible urge to answer that question with no. Probably not if it’s someone I’m related to or close to, because I guess it would be offensive to mock them, but it would be fun with the stranger in the grocery store who must ask if Breanna is a good baby.

Just once, I would love to have the nerve to look stricken, maybe get some tears to well up in my eyes, and pretend to wail a little as I hysterically shriek, “No! Oh GOD, no, she’s not. She’s a terrible baby. I’ve been drinking vodka by ten each morning because of it. She steals money from my wallet, burns my books, slashes my clothes with razors, and sold all my jewelry at the local pawn shop! She’s just a BAD BAD BABY! I don’t know what to do. I tried to take her back to the hospital but they won’t let me return her or have her re-inserted into my uterus, so now I’m stuck with this living hell. HELP ME!”

I figure that should make the poor unsuspecting person to back slowly away from me, perhaps shifting their eyes nervously to the left and right. If I’m loud enough, it should stop anyone else in the vicinity from asking the same question. Too bad I’d never actually do it.

Really, though. Wouldn’t that be fun, just once?

(And honestly, how could you suspect a baby with this smile to be anything BUT good anyway?!)