I should know better than to immerse myself in controversy on the good ol’ Internet. God knows I’ve been online long enough to know that. But this time I can’t seem to help myself.
Today I read this entry which essentially says that a mother who works from home is just fluff and can’t compare to working outside the home where you have to deal with daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, traffic during the commute, working for people who don’t give a shit if you have a sick kid at home, blablabla. It was justified by the fact that she currently works out of the home AND from home. She added this:
There is no comparison. None. I don’t care how high up on the blogging ladder you are: working from home is not even in the same realm as being a Working Mother.
(Emphasis is hers.)
You know what? I’m not going to pretend to know what she’s talking about as far as daycare and commutes. I’ve worked outside the home before, of course. I worked in fast food, in (God help me, and please let me never do it again) technical support for two different ISPs, and a music studio. I dealt with the traffic, the long commutes, and with the exception of the studio which was more like a small family than a workplace, I dealt with bosses and shareholders who didn’t give two shits about what was going on in your personal life no matter how major it was.
The thing is, I’ve never done all those things with children. I’ve never had to race frantically to pick my children up from daycare before the cut-off time where you have to pay a late fee. I’ve never had to argue with George as to whose job is most important today and which one of us “has” to stay home with a sick kid. I’ve never had to whisper on the phone, trying to hide that I’m calling home to see if someone’s fever has broken. I’ve never been bawled out for taking too many days off or running late or other such things because of my kids. I’ve never had to try to cram an entire day’s worth of fun and love into the two hours between arriving home and the kids’ bedtime.
I’m sure it’s hard. And that’s the difference. I will FULLY acknowledge that it must be extremely hard. I don’t know how I would handle it all with younger kids. Maybe with older kids in school full-time it gets easier, though I’m betting it’s not. But just based on the way life is with my kids right now at age 3 and age 6 I just can’t imagine having to spend eight hours in an office plus commuting time, and then dealing with all the things I listed above (not to mention the things I haven’t listed because I can’t even fathom them).
But here’s the thing: Just because one person’s life of working outside the home can be hard, it doesn’t automatically make everyone else’s situation easy. It doesn’t mean it can’t compare. I think I would be less offended if the original post had said that in HER experience, HER work at home didn’t compare in any way to HER work in the office. But to make a grand sweeping statement that includes all of us is unfair.
When I first started blogging for b5 media, yeah, you could definitely say that my work life was easy because it was a very small time commitment. It’s three years later though, and my freelancing has grown a whole lot and now my day is really packed. On an average school day I get up and take Hayley to school, then I get Breanna breakfast, get her started on her day (which usually involves dinosaurs), get started on my own work, and then it’s literally an endless juggling act of trying to keep up with my commitments for a variety of different bosses, keeping Breanna happy and entertained and fed, getting Hayley from school, helping her with homework, remembering to occasionally get the wet clothes into the dryer so I don’t have to wash them for a third time in a row, make dinner, clean up, do baths, do bedtime, and then…
… well then I’d like to put my feet up and watch television or read a book, but usually I’m back at the laptop finishing all the things I couldn’t complete while the kids were still up and about. Last week I even wrote over here about my fear of how I’m going to handle it all when summer hits for real and I have two kids at home with me, how I’ll get everything done without missing out on the fun while also avoiding having to work until 3 am each night to get it all done.
Some days it’s so ridiculously smooth and easy that I practically laugh and I love my life. Some days I feel so incompetent and hate myself and my work and what I’m trying to do so badly that I want to run screaming out the door and not come back until I have a job somewhere outside the four walls that surround me much of the day and night.
Just like anyone.
My job isn’t easy and my job isn’t hard. It’s all relative to ME and MY life. My job is harder than someone’s I’m sure but I’m not even going to try to pick an example because there are probably days that that person’s job sucks hard and they wish they could do something as “easy” as what I do. Meanwhile, although I feel like my job is hard sometimes, it’s certainly not as hard as, say, someone on the front lines in Iraq or someone working for the FBI who defuses bombs for a living.
And I’m not even going to get into the poor stay at home mom who gets slammed for not contributing financially in ANY way because they don’t work for pay at all, never mind that they typically bust their ass all day taking care of kids and keeping their home in shape and making up for the finances in countless ways. I’ve been there too and the vitriol can be nasty.
It all comes down to this: We all have hard days. Our jobs – whether they’re outside the home, in our living room, or unpaid – are easy and hard depending on the day, the kids, the time, the life we’re currently living. We can all complain about how hard life is, and it’s our right to do that, but please for the love of God, stop comparing.
Because – just like I said in a comment on the original post – all this stupid moronic fighting about who has it hardest does is it provides fodder for the parts of the internet that thinks Mom bloggers are all a bunch of idiots. All it does is take women down a notch by making us fight amongst ourselves instead of standing in solidarity. Instead of saying that someone else’s life is so much easier and yours is so hard, why not just say, “hey man, I had a really fucking hard time this week” and let us all stand together and SUPPORT you, and then when someone else has a bad week you can do the same. If we all supported each other as much as we tear each other down we’d be a whole lot better off (except for the people who earn a living by writing books about the Mommy Wars; they probably wouldn’t be better off if we all got along!).
For God’s sake, after all this bullshit fighting all these years, can’t we all just GET ALONG for while?
(For what it’s worth, the original post references another post as well – I’d like you to go read that one too, because Miss Zoot explains how hard it is to be a mom working outside the home WITHOUT alienating and belittling an entire demographic of working mothers who do fluff work at home. THAT post is fantastic.)
I may regret this post in the morning. I don’t have time to regret it right now because I have to go help my daughter with a ludicrous amount of homework for a grade one child, while simultaneously washing dishes, entertaining Breanna, prepping a chicken for dinner, and trying to get at least one more work task out of the way before the bedtime rush starts. OMG MY LIFE IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN YOURS! Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Amen sister!
FWIW I think anyone who has time to b*tch about how hard it is, definitely has more spare time than I do. You know what office work means? Eating lunch BY YOURSELF and using the bathroom ALONE. Now that’s luxury right there 😉
She *might* have a point if she clarified she was talking about part-time WAHMS working a few hours per week, or those doing stuff like Pampered Chef.
I’m a WAHM, but with mine so little they have to be in daycare part-time. I also have odd hours I need to be in the field, which means having a roster of sitters. So I have to deal with rescheduling appointments when the kids are sick, and finding childcare sometimes at short notice for early mornings or late evenings, on top of keeping my clients happy and housework. All as a single parent because DH is working out of state. So there, single working mom trumps her 😛
I’ve done both…and both can really suck really hard.
I agree with you. Quite why anyone needs to play the my-life-is-harder-than-yours-so-wah game is beyond me.
Heidis last blog post..Advil? Advil?
A to-the-freakin men!
Now, I might want to give her a teensy benefit of the doubt here when she mentioned mommie bloggers who do up a few vid and blog for a bit of play money. But like you said, she managed to make sweeping generalizations about the whole crew.
you know what? I *have* done both. The are both hard in different ways. You know why? Because parenting hard. End of story.
I now work at home, and if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. In fact, hubby works at home with me. If either one of us fell ill for a week and couldn’t work, we don’t get paid.
And if we don’t get paid that is Not Good. Sure doesn’t sound like “fluff” to me.
I have a blog (or two) that makes me money and gets me new clients. That’s it. That’s all we rely on. It’s just as hard as the alternatives in *different ways*.
Because that’s life.
Four words: Motherhood. Is. Hard. Work.
Done! 🙂
Yeah, well it’s all hard. I do and have done both. It’s just plain hard. But whatever we do, we do it because we believe it’s best for our kids. Life is not a competition.
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Amen, Sherry.
I haven’t ever tried working full time (or even part time) out of the home since I had my kid, so I count myself lucky. It must suck in the biggest way possible. I can’t stand doing peak hour traffic even when I’m not in a rush to get somewhere. I can’t imagine doing it twice a day, five or more times a week.
Comparing who has it harder is definitely not productive, though. You’re right, Sherry. We should be supporting each other, rather than trying to be the one suffering even more than the next person.
Parenting is difficult. It’s hard to earn a living no matter what/where/how you work. Hell, it’s hard enough parenting even without trying to do some sort of paid work.
I’m so pleased that I can try to make a living online so that I don’t have to deal with some of the stresses that working out of home involves. Either way, though, it’s tough.
We’re in this together, girls (and guys), so let’s support each other! 🙂
You have my support, seems to me I am always rushing around to get things done and do not have time to just put my feet up. You are definitely right it does not get any easier as the kids get older. The same applies to me just because I work at home people seem to think you do nothing all day long, your time is never your own, the kids will always need something and if for some reson they don’t hubby will constantly distract or monopalize your time so that at the end of the day you are still behind not to mention there is never enough money to get what needs to get done. We moved into our new home and I still do not have my deck finished so yeh you have my support.
I think you said it all in this one sentence: “But here’s the thing: Just because one person’s life of working outside the home can be hard, it doesn’t automatically make everyone else’s situation easy.”
Amen. Also, people cannot hide behind the “I was venting, and this is my blog” every time they lash out at others. I understand where Sam was coming from, she was very mad when she wrote that post, so she used strong words. However venting in writing on the Internet is not the same as venting in a phone conversation with your friend. It STAYS there, and it’s seen by many many many people. Which then starts a whole polemic again. We seem to be going from one polemic to the other these days!
I blame Momversation, though, because they ALWAYS pick controversial topics, they just know are going to ruffle some feathers. Why? Just so you can get more hits? Seriously.
You already saw my rant on Twitter, so you know that I feel the same as you do. I thought about doing a post but not sure I could do it the same amount of justice.
Well said, my friend.
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I think you summarized your feeling in an excellent kind of way.
I don’t understand all the vitriol out there. Seriously… MANY people have it hard. Not just moms. I think there are things about both sides (stay at home vs. work outside of home) that are difficult to bear. Everyone has a totally unique situation.
Why can’t we all just move on and be more accepting of other people’s choices?
I don’t have kids and I work outside the home and yet I find it hard to fit everything I want to do in a day, so I can only imagine how tough it has to be when you add kids in the mix whether you work from home or in the office part-time or full-time. It doesn’t really matter. This isn’t a pissing contest. I feel lucky not to get involved in the crazy blogging wars. Seriously, I don’t have the time, how does anyone else who is so self-proclaimed busy? LOL!
I’ve been on both sides and I can honestly say they are both challenging. There are days I miss having a job outside of my house. Being at home all day, I see all the housework that needs to be done, all the cleaning, all the clutter. There is very rarely down time at home. Before, I could leave work at work. I had a lunch break and I could go on a coffee break if I wanted to. Now I’m at work 24/7. I do love that I’m here for the kids but very rarely do I get the adultversation that I once had when I worked outside of the house. I don’t think it’s fair to say one is more superior than the other…not at all. They are both equally challenging in their own way.
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It is difficult enough for any family to do those things that support their own family. Anyone commenting on that activity is butting in where they shouldn’t be and their time would be better spent taking care of their own lives and those of their own family.
Yes it is difficult to support family life. Whether working inside the home or out. But I feel for most humans, being female or male it is a release mechanism to vent. Sometimes venting is good it will release tension and make for more harmony in the home. Unfortunately, doing it via the internet where everyone can see may lead people beleive they are out to get the world. Has anyone ever considered that maybe people do not always have the proper support system to begin with and reach out to others in any way they can? I beleive this does not make it wrong just something most of us that are a little more private may not agree with. Commenting on a certain topic and asking for advice I feal is not butting in just trying to help. I came across this subject looking for work at home. I thought answering it would help someone else feel better not worse, so let it be. No harm was done. Thre is no need to bash someone else.
OMG, every day I get someone asking me HOW they can work from home because it’s such a sweet deal I’ve got! And yet I know exactly what you mean – I’m constantly working. I don’t get vacations or weekends, I’m always doing something. While I love my job, and wouldn’t trade it for anything, it definitely has its drawbacks, just like anything else.
Annie, no one is bashing anyone here.
Sherry, I came from the email conversation about this topic. I thought about tackling it but honestly, after reading this, I wouldn’t do it justice. Well said! It’s all relative and we all have our hard days. And I do think that for many of us, it’s about choices. We make choices about what is best for our families. The choices are all different and they are all right.
Personally, as a WAHM, and only part time I might add, I admire mom’s who work full time out of the home. I couldn’t do it. And that’s why, and I am extremely lucky to have the option, I choose to work at home, part time.
Power to mothers, ALL mothers.
Kamis last blog post..Help! what do I do?
So. Well. Said.
Thank you for speaking up for moms of all kinds. We moms should be nicer to each other, instead of always subdividing amongst ourselves.
Amandas last blog post..There is a metaphor involving a horse…..
Well said! It’s about time we women stuck together.
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I’m in the same boat as you (now in the summer)! my kids are ~2 and ~4, so I have the two of them AND try to get a full-time job (at home and office) in while mothering. It’s pull-your-hair-out frustrating. At least, when you’re out of the house, you don’t have to tell your children “not now” all the time, or “mama has to work,” or you don’t have to take your kid to pee or stop what you’re doing to make meals, etc. It’s DAMN hard and my heart pounds with the anxiety of trying to please everyone – EVERYONE – all day…. Thanks for this. 🙂
First – let me say to you that I greatly admire not only mothers, but mothers who work AND raise their children. Where you work does NOT equate to how hard you work or the worth and value of your work.
That being said, I do not (cannot) have children and I work from home…mostly so I don’t have to deal with snots like the poster who so ignorantly claims that “working from home is not even in the same realm as being a Working Mother.”
To all you and all the working mommies who read your blog – my applause and utmost respect.
First – let me say to you that I greatly admire not only mothers, but mothers who work AND raise their children. Where you work does NOT equate to how hard you work or the worth and value of your work.
That being said, I do not (cannot) have children and I work from home…mostly so I don’t have to deal with snots like the poster who so ignorantly claims that “working from home is not even in the same realm as being a Working Mother.”
To you and all the working mommies who read your blog – my applause and utmost respect.
Wish I had seen and read your June 16th post before I wrote (and posted) my angry diatribe about the “Mommy Wars” yesterday…..
I think comes down to deliberate misrepresentation… and maybe a lack of perspective. Any group would be – and should be – pretty annoyed that someone else is speaking for them and not even touching on real, genuine issues.
If Momversation or other publishers want to hear from a working mom – then ask one. We ARE out there – we may be thin on the ground in the blogging world (most would agree it’s a time constraint issue).
Momversation didn’t even ask one of their OWN – who was a F/T WOHM – to speak on the issue. Shouldn’t we ask why?
There’s a lesson in this, we should all speak from what *WE KNOW* and not speak for anything we don’t live with.
I get so frustrated I could chew my own arms off with the perpetuation of debates like this and the “contest of woe” about who’s got it worse. For myself – being Canadian, single, F/T working mom with two kids, a special needs child, abuse survival, and everything else… is still NOWHERE near as bad as being a woman in plenty of other places in the world.
I will sometimes be tired or frustrated, but I’ll skip the drama.
It would be puppies and kittens all the time if getting along drove traffic. You see it all the time-someone hits with a post made to create controversy. Of course, no one “meant” for all those thousands of hits on their page full of ads…
I can’t help but wonder how many of these non issues would disappear if blogs weren’t monetized…
And Momartfully is right-many, MANY bigger issues.