That was the question I hated more than anything with both my kids. “Is she a good baby?” Well, I don’t know, define “good”. Was Hayley a good sleeper? No, absolutely not. But she was a GOOD baby. Because she was, you know, a BABY. How bad can they be? Even when she had colic and spit up like whatsherface in The Exorcist, she was still a good baby, because she didn’t have the mental ability to be bad.

Breanna was a great sleeper. I still remember the time our friend came to see her for the first time and his two daughters and Hayley ran around and around, screaming like crazy people, and Breanna slept for an hour in the bassinet right there in the middle of it all. She was a great sleeper, and she didn’t have colic. Did that make her a good baby, a better baby than Hayley? No, she was just a good baby by default because again, hello, BABY.

So yeah. I have issues with that question and I’ve always hated it tremendously. When people would ask if either one was a good baby, I would always seethe on the inside, fantasize about setting something on fire with my anger alone, and then I’d flash a tired, sleep-deprived new mom smile and say, “Oh yes! Yes, she is!”

Of course, that was a bit of a mistake because then people would inevitably end up saying, “Oh so she’s sleeping through the night for you?” And I’d be all, “Uh no, she’s three weeks old and wakes up with a wet diaper and a need for breastmilk, but uh, anyway… Hey, look a blimp up in the sky!”

I probably should have answered the way I really wanted to, especially when it was a total stranger that I’d never have to see again so I wouldn’t have to be ashamed of being rude later. Just once, I wish I had glanced over my shoulder to make sure we were alone and then I should have confessed:

“Sigh. No. She’s a terrible baby. She’s a BAD baby. I think she’s on drugs. She said she was just tired from staying up late and studying for midterms, but her pupils were so dilated. I can’t tell if it’s weed or meth though. And the other day I saw her rooting through my purse; she said she was looking for gum but I KNOW there was a twenty dollar bill missing. It’s that damn 3-year-old down the street. That damn Jimmy with his badass tricycle, I know he’s a bad influence on her and I told her that he’s way too old for her, but what can I do? She just sneaks out to see him if I don’t let her hang out with him, so it’s a losing battle. Frankly, I’m ready to ship her off to a boarding school.

“Got any advice for me on how to deal with it?

“What? You meant sleeping? Oh, yeah, she sleeps about three to four hours at a time, she’s a great baby.”

I would pay good money for a time machine that could take me back to just one opportunity to do that.

Have you been asked that before? Because I complained about it a few times and it seems pretty common. Don’t you wish you could have just handed them this?

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This post was part of another great Parent Bloggers Network blog blast asking for what we wish we had said when asked stupid or annoying questions while pregnant or as a new mom.

And it was hard, by the way. I had to choose between this question and the eight billion times I as asked if I was SURE I wasn’t having twins with my pregnancy with Breanna. Augh.