Sometimes having two kids is like a lesson in total insanity, so I can only imagine how crazy things must get sometimes in larger families. In theory, assuming we suddenly won the lottery and had a nice big house, I would love more kids. But other days I’d kind of like to run away to a Buddhist monastery where everyone has taken a vow of silence. Would you like to hear some random events that all occurred on the same day?

• Before supper, Hayley decided to give one of her toys (a rubber alligator) a bath in the bathroom sink, which would have been fine had she not gotten water all over the entire counter, the floor, the toilet, the basket with a couple of books (because God knows that’s the only place anyone can ever read for a minute or two) and toilet paper, and herself. So I cleaned it up with a lot of muttering.
• After I had cleaned it up, she went back into the bathroom and then when she came out as I as about to dish supper, I noticed her face was oddly shiny and kind of pink. I got closer to inspect her face and smelled a flowery scent. I asked what she had been doing. “I rubbed deodorant on my face so I can be beautiful.” Where the hell does she get this stuff from? She knows where deodorant goes! I quickly washed her face before it irritated her skin any more than it already had.
• At supper, we had some BBQ chicken with rice and vegetables. Breanna ate all the chicken and all the vegetables. Then, before I could react quickly enough, she lifted her plate and dropped it straight over the side of her high chair tray, scattering rice over the floor from the kitchen to the living room.
• Realizing she had been actually trying to reach over to put the plate on the table but missed, I just sighed (and maybe cursed under my breath) and got down on the floor to pick the rice up as much as I could by hand. While I was down there, a large piece of chicken flew directly in front of my face as Hayley yelled out, “Here Willy! Here boy, here’s some chicken!”
• I immediately (and possibly loudly) explained to Hayley that Willy is an imaginary whale and if imaginary whales are going to join us for dinner then they can eat imaginary chicken, and that she is not to feed real food to imaginary whales under any circumstance. I also mentioned that if that happened again, we would not be watching Free Willy any more.
• While doing the dishes, I mentioned it would be bath time soon and that it was hair washing night. Hayley tried to save me the trouble by wetting her hair completely in the bathroom sink, thus flooding the bathroom again. AGAIN.
• Both kids had the good sense and common decency to fall asleep within half an hour of bedtime, giving me a quiet evening to watch television, putz around on the Internet, and contemplate whether I could get a good deal if I offered them up as a two-for-one on eBay.

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Tell me the truth: Would it be at all weird or creepy if I hired a children’s entertainer to make animal balloons, do magic tricks, and sing songs in the bathroom so that the kids are both occupied and I could maybe sit on the toilet in relative peace without having to answer questions, read Barney books, or sing “The Ants Go Marching One By One”? Really, it would be a pretty good idea, no?

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It’s not much of a secret that I have a potty mouth but I do try (unsuccessfully) to curb it around the kids. Sometimes though, I completely forget that I have someone with little ears beside me and I say something inappropriate.

On Saturday morning I was walking with Hayley up to the last library story time until next Fall. There was a detour because of some construction so there was an unusual amount of traffic on the street. Up ahead, at the intersection, the light turned green. It had literally JUST turned green but someone three cars back was in such an incredible hurry to get, I don’t know, SOMEWHERE, that he immediately laid on the horn. Not only did he honk, he leaned on that horn for at least twenty seconds, still honking madly after he had gotten through the intersection, announcing his impatience and disgust to the entire city.

I looked after him as he drove off, still honking, and said out loud, “God, it must be such hard work compensating for your tiny penis.”

And then Hayley asked, “Huh? What did you say? Penis?”

Remembering I had a tiny person with me, I said, “Um, I said it must be hard work being such a genius. Genius!”

If Hayley asks anyone about their small penis*, I’m pleading the fifth.

Then again, Breanna pronounces both “socks” and “duck” as “cock” so I’m pretty out of luck either way.

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Good thing they’re both really cute.

*I can’t wait to see the Google hits I get now that I’ve said “penis” three, no, now four times and “cock” twice in one post.