September 20th, 2003 - Saturday

And now you are one

Dear Hayley,

A year ago today, I woke up really early in the morning and took a quick shower. Then I packed up my last minute supplies into my suitcase and your Daddy took me to the hospital. I was a little bit nervous because I knew that this time I wouldn't be coming back home until there was a baby living outside of my body, rather than inside it. Mostly though, I was so excited.

I had gone through so many false labour contractions, visits to the hospital, and overnight stay after abrupt bleeding from the uterus, ultrasounds where people guessed as to how "small" you were, and those damned non-stress tests which are so ironically named since all they actually did was cause me stress! I had had enough and when the doctor told me that it was time to induce labour (still on the assumption that you might be a little small), I was relieved and ecstatic. I was nervous only because I had heard that sometimes inductions can backfire and cause more problems, but I must have been physically ready to go because I was already dilated a couple of centimeters and I flew into labour almost as soon as they broke my water.

In just under eight hours from start to finish, I was holding you in my arms.

You weren't too small after all - you weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces. Still, you seemed so tiny. I wasn't particularly used to newborns. In fact, I had never held one until you came into the world. You seemed so fragile and so helpless.

Fast forward.

Before I even knew what had happened, the same tiny and fragile and helpless little infant who could barely hold up her own head or communicate beyond one cry that sounded identical to the one before it had morphed into something else altogether.

Before I could barely even blink, you were rolling. Then you were sitting. Then you were pulling yourself up. Then you suddenly began to crawl and you went from tentative movements to full-steam-ahead crawling before I could even take it all in. Then you were standing and clapping merrily at your own achievements - when the hell did you learn to clap anyway?! You've been walking for ages, either using furniture to cruise or holding someone's hands so that you can toddle around. If no one is available you will also make do by pushing a scooter or a laundry basket to help you make your way.

You went from crying in one monotone shrill sound to crying in different ways. I suddenly realized that I usually knew whether you were hungry or tired or just plain old bored and cranky. Then you started picking up on the sign language I was teaching you and now you, my tiny and helpless baby, can sign to me when you want milk, water, a diaper change, or "down".

You began to babble sounds like "dadadadada" and "mamamama" and "bababababa" which made us happy but they all applied interchangeably to any object around you. Now you still prefer the sounds of "dada" but you also know that it means your Daddy too. You know that I'm "mama". You also have a desire to learn more things. You may not be able to say the words yet, but you want to know what everything is. You've picked up the word "dat", which means "that" and you point at everything while saying "dat! Dat!" I then tell you what it is and you find something else which must be named. Every time I answer you, I can see the wheels spinning in your head as you file it away in your brain, storing it for the day that you can say new words.

You know what the cat is, where the fan is, and where every light source is. You can find your nose and also mine, your Daddy's, and the nose of every teddy bear and stuffed dog that you own.

You are so big now. I don't know how you could have grown so quickly that I wasn't fully aware of it, but every time I look at your old pictures, I marvel at the changes in you. It makes me understand the shock people express when they haven't seen you in awhile.

You're expressing yourself now by demonstrating a willpower that I'm sure I will butt heads with in the years to come. You shake your head no, then proceed to do exactly what you know you're not allowed to do anyway. You'll shake your head no and then rip your diaper off. You'll shake your head no, and then try to open the toilet lid. You'll shake your head no and then point at the electrical sockets - thank God for socket protectors. You've even had a few minor temper tantrums, wailing and screaming and turning red in anger when forbidden to do something.

You used to get all your nutrition by nursing. Now you still enjoy nursing on a regular basis but you also have an intense need to taste everything. No one can eat in peace around you unless they're willing to share a few bites. You'll eat any meat, whether it's chicken, beef, or pork. You've eaten a variety of pasta including mac and cheese, my lasagna, and spaghetti with tomato sauce. You've eaten cheese, yogurt, grilled cheese sandwiches, and scrambled eggs. You'll chow down on a banana, an apple, or any other fruit or vegetable that can be chopped and served. You drink water with enthusiasm. You try to drink beer.

You're a living breathing wonder of the world. You're the greatest wonder of MY world. Life before you was satisfactory but it was nothing like this. I can't even really remember a world that didn't involve thinking about you, worrying about you, or loving you. I feel like you couldn't have possibly been here a whole year already, and yet I feel like you've been here forever.

You are forever. You are forever my baby no matter how quickly you grow up.

I love you.

Hugs and kisses and tickles under your arms,
Mama
xoxoxo

Ancient history:

2002: No entry
2001: No entry
2000: I think the blood in my veins is slowly being replaced by grease. Eventually, it will all congeal and my heart will stop.
1999: If you have to have a $5,000 dress and a $2,000 engagement ring, and a reception hall that seats 500 of your most intimate buddies, then maybe you're worrying too much about the wrong thing.