I owe a lot to this Beagle, Pearl. Mostly I owe her a lot of stress and frustration, as well as the clumps of hair I have pulled out of my head while telling her to GET.OFF.THE.DAMN.KITCHEN.TABLE.NOW.WTF?!

But all that aside – oh puppy joys, to think we could have gotten an adult dog – I owe a certain amount of fitness to Pearl. When we got her at the SPCA, they warned me that Beagles need a certain amount of exercise. They’re not Dalmatians or Greyhounds who require hours on end of running, but they’re not just lap dogs either.

Well, we don’t have a yard so that means walking and lots of it. On your average day she gets two good, solid walks plus several excursions around the complex to relieve herself. Some days she gets three good walks in. But I’m doing more walking with her than the minimum that they recommend for Beagles. When I can walk her for 20-30 minutes and bring her back and get her to look like this?

Then I know I’ve taken her for a good enough walk for the moment.

The thing is, I take her out many times per day. I take her out at 6:30 am during the week (and whenever we get up on weekends), then again at 8 am for a good 20-30 minute walk, again before Breanna’s nap, around 11:30, again around 2, another good 20-30 minute walk at about 4 or 4:30, again after supper, again when the kids fall asleep (around 9) and once more sometime between 11 pm and midnight.

(God that’s insane, isn’t it? Surely her bladder should last longer than that?! But that’s the way it is if we want to avoid accidents and it’s been about three weeks since I mistook her “please take me out to pee” face for the “look how cute I am, scratch my head!” face only to have her squat two minutes later, oops.)

Aside from the 40-60 minutes of active walking with her, just the quick “go out to pee and come around to the back of the building” excursions still include going down four flights of stairs and then back up again.

I will never need to spend money on a gym membership. I don’t need it. I am so fit now it’s not even funny. Down, then up, then down, then long walk, then up… lather rinse repeat and I’ve got some pretty strong legs and butt muscles these days. Not quite to my old kung fu standards where it was kind of like my entire body was made of steel, but fit nonetheless.

You can spend a ton of money on personal trainers but for me, paying for a Beagle at the SPCA gave me just as much hard-ass training – and I can curl up on the couch and scratch her ears until she falls asleep while I watch “Criminal Minds”. I win!

(But if she doesn’t stay off my table I swear I’m buying a super soaker water gun.)