I took a picture of my big belly yesterday.

If you don’t watch “All My Children” you don’t need to read the rest of this, but I just have to get these things out.

1. I have always despised Erica and also Susan Lucci for being an overactor of epic proportions. But you know what irritates me the most of all about her? The way she always has to say “my daughter, Kendall” or “my daughter, Bianca” when she’s talking about them. If she just says Kendall, we’ll know it’s her daughter. If she’s talking about Kendall already, saying “my daughter” will not leave us perplexed and confused. It drives me batty and she must have done it at least five damn times today.

2. If Zack and Kendall don’t admit they’re falling for each other and GET IT ON ALREADY, I will honestly implode from the tension. For the love of all that is holy, KISS HER ALREADY. PLEASE!

Ahem. That is all.

So most people have seen “Jurassic Park” yes? Remember when they show the raptors inside their area and they’re attacking the electric fence systematically and Dr. Grant is in awe and says, “They’re testing the fence for weakness”?

That’s what it feels like in my uterus right now.

She’s a fairly active baby in general as it is, but for the past 20 minutes I have felt a constant pushing starting at one side and moving steadily across to the other. Then the pushing goes down one side and back up the other, and starts again. Over and over. It’s not painful and it’s not actual kicking or elbow jabbing like it usually is, it’s just like someone is in there pushing steadily to see if there’s some weak spot so that she can suddenly burst out of my stomach like the parasites in “Alien” do.

Combined with the fact that last night I had to stop reading to Hayley for a second because I was overwhelmed with the weird and uncomfortable motion of an elbow trying to protrude from my belly button (Hayley felt it and thought it was hilarious. Ha frickin’ ha kiddo.), and I can’t help but think this baby is not as enamored with my uterus as Hayley was. She also has a tendency to abruptly launch herself downward, headfirst.

This kid wants out. Too bad for her that I keep lecturing her that she needs to stay in there for at least three more weeks or else she’s grounded.

Two snippets of Hayley talk today:

While having lunch, Hayley requested that I put on “the Buffy songs” or as it’s more commonly known, the soundtrack for “Once More With Feeling” (which is still one of my favorite Buffy episodes, by the way). When it got to the song “Walk Through the Fire” she sat singing along and then after Buffy sang “so I will walk through the fire” she stopped and looked at me pensively.

“Buffy shouldn’t walk through the fire Mommy, because it will burn her.”

*******

When George calls male friends, he has a habit of asking, “so what are you doing? Nothing? Just playing with your monkey?” Playing with your monkey is one of his favorite euphimisms for, well, you know.

Today I went in the bathroom for a second and Hayley was playing with one of her phones across the hall in her bedroom and I heard this:

“Hi! Hi. I’m good. How are you? So are you playing with your monkey?”

It took all my self-control to not fall off the toilet. I’m just glad that she doesn’t actually understand what she’s saying. And I don’t want to know who she was pretending to talk to.

Today, October the 5th, Hayley and I are wearing shorts. George, who has been wearing a sweatshirt when he goes out in the morning for awhile, left with just a t-shirt. It’s that hot. It’s supposed to go up to almost 30 degrees with the humidex today, according to the forecast.

This time last year I would have been happier about a warm October, but you know what? When I’m almost 34 weeks pregnant, this kind of weather makes me cranky. All summer through the outrageous humidity, I kept telling myself that October would be wonderful, with nice fall temperatures and it would be easier and more pleasant to go outside. Blah!

As Kim said in the comments of my previous entry, it’s global warming. I don’t know which is more sad – the fact that some people are in denial that global warming is indeed happening or the fact that some other people are probably thinking, “wow, longer summers, milder winters, this global warming stuff is great!” because they don’t see the bigger picture.

I just want October to get back to normal. This is when I’m supposed to have the urge to make apple crisp and squash, but this stupid unseasonal weather is making me long for popsicles and the furnace that is created inside pregnant women is making me want to kill someone.

Yesterday, before heading outside, I checked the Weather Network for the forecast so I would know if we’d be overheated in jeans. While I was there I scrolled down to the long-term forecast for the week. Only in Canada can you get this kind of insane temperature fluctuation.

From 27 degrees today to just barely hovering above freezing this weekend? What the hell is that?!

By the way, it’s currently 25 degrees outside but even though it’s October 4th there’s a bloody Humidex making it feel like 31. That’s 87 degrees for you non-metric folks. It’s OCTOBER!

New journal entry. Good night.

My embarrassing story for the past weekend:

On Saturday we went to a birthday party for our friends’ daughter (’tis the season of kids turning three). During the late afternoon we were sitting out on the deck and my friend commented on how she had tried cleaning her patio doors with some product but that she didn’t think it was really meant for glass because although they were clean, they were streaky.

Later in the evening, around supper time, their screen patio door was open a few inches and the dog tried to force her way inside, and ended up knocking the screen right out of the track. They tried to fix it, then gave up on it for the time being since it’s now October and there aren’t too many flying bugs around anyway, and ended up leaving it open altogether.

(You probably see where this is going.)

Later that night, they lit a fire in their fireplace and we were sitting outside, relaxing. Strange as it may be, considering the time of year, there were a few mosquitoes. I decided to go in and get my camera. I walked up the stairs, crossed the deck, and… promptly walked straight into the glass patio door that had been closed to keep the bugs from coming in. I did it complete with a very loud *clunk* and possibly a profanity or two.

Much to my dismay, there were a couple of people inside getting tea so I couldn’t even wallow quietly in my embarrassment. Luckily, it was just my knee that made full contact with the glass so I didn’t hurt myself. I stammered something to my friend about how, clearly, her doors looked cleaner than she thought. Still, it took quite some time before I could stop laughing. It must have looked like something straight out of a comedey movie.