Just about 20 minutes ago the baby made such a weird movement where I felt something going straight down (her head), and something jutting out on both sides, high and low, all at once that I can only assume one of the following:

1. She was trying to do a jumping jack and was foiled by my squished-up organs.

2. There are actually five babies in there and the ultrasound tech was drunk and didn’t notice.

3. I am not actually carrying a baby after all and any second now I am doomed to die like all those people who were hosts in the “Alien” series.

I’m hoping for scenario number one.