When Hayley was only a few weeks old I wondered if someone had switched my baby with Linda Blair. Every time I nursed her, she would spew back so much milk that I wondered if any of it was actually staying in her body. No matter how much I burped her, no matter how still I kept her after her milk, she would inevitably spit it back up. I did a lot of bleary-eyed laundry in those days because she would need to be changed so often, not to mention all the receiving blankets I went through and my own shirts that didn’t always escape the upchuck.
Perhaps it was a sign of being a slightly hysterical first-time mother, I not only took her to her scheduled check-ups, but I also took her to our family practice three separate times to make sure that all of this spitting up was actually normal and that she wasn’t existing solely on air alone. It was either take her to a doctor or call in a priest for an exorcism, it was a tough choice. The first two times we saw random doctors in the practice, and the last time it was our regular family doctor. All of them assured me that Hayley was fine, showed me how her weight was going up and that some babies just spit up more than others. This was even after Hayley displayed perfect timing by choosing to spit up dramatically right in front of the doctor. After that, I calmed down, and though I still hated how much seemed to come right back up, I trusted that she was fine.
At that time in my life, the spitting up issue was practically all-consuming for me. I worried about it almost constantly. I would worry while I was feeding her, I worried when it happened, I worried about whether it would be so bad the next time. In hindsight, it was such a small problem, and isn’t it funny how each stage with children brings new worries, ones that seem much bigger than the old ones?
Some day I’ll be dealing with a teenage Hayley and worrying about something huge and stressful to me, and I’ll look back on September 2007 the same way I look back on her first few weeks of spitting up – I’ll recognize that it was a Big Honkin’ Deal at the time, but realize it’s nothing much in comparison to the present.
Hayley’s first day at Kindergarten went remarkably well. Then she came down with a wicked cold that left her drained and exhausted and her second day sucked. She’s had a bit of trouble adjusting ever since. She doesn’t want to go to school and it requires gentle yet firm pushing to get her to go. It’s incredibly difficult to feel like we’re forcing her to do something, but it has to be done – she has to go to school. I don’t think it would be in her best interests to take her out and wait another year. Legally we can do that, especially since she started Kindergarten at age four. If she waited until next year, she’d still be only five for the first few weeks. I think it would be a big mistake though, because by the time next year rolls around, she’ll know pretty much everything they learn at that level. As it is, she knows at least half the things they cover in Kindergarten, but if she waits another year she’ll wind up bored, and I certainly don’t want to throw her directly into grade one. Besides, I think that it’s still a bit too early to make a snap decision and remove her from the school.
The humour in all of this is that if anyone asks her if she likes school, she says yes. She loves the toys, the songs, and she seems to enjoy it, but it’s taking some time to get used to actually going and getting through the day. She doesn’t want to go, but if you mention not going back at all, she gets upset. It’s a big internal struggle for her, I think. She misses us when she’s there, but I’m hoping time will help with that, as she gets to know some of the kids. I’m hoping she’ll get to know a couple of kids well enough that I could send a note to the teacher, asking her to pass on my contact info to those parents so we can arrange a playdate on weekends.
I know that some people will automatically say this is my fault because we didn’t put her in daycare or preschool. And you know, I spent a day feeling the same way, blaming myself, berating myself, and my goodness isn’t Parental Guilt ™ a lot of fun? But I’ve had more than one person tell me that their child has had the same trouble adjusting to Kindergarten even if they went to daycare or preschool for years. In fact, I even found out that a little boy in the other Kindergarten class cried for the first four days almost non stop and he’s been in some sort of childcare since the age of one. So it seems it’s got less to do with the whole at-home vs. daycare debate that never ends, and a lot more to do with the child’s personality and adaptability in general. For instance, I stayed at home with my mother for five years and went off to Kindergarten and never cried once about it. For Hayley it’s just her sensitivity and getting used to something new.
I gave her a locket that I had; there’s a picture of me with George on one side and I put a picture of Breanna on the other side. She wears it and when she misses us, she can open it up and look at it to feel better. She calls it her magic locket. If it can help her through her day, all the better.
I know it will take time and eventually she’ll start having fun at school and coming home with big smiles and no more tears in the mornings. She just has to breathe slowly and get through each day as it comes – and so do I. Eventually it will get better. Today wasn’t great, but it was better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.
If you’ve dealt with difficulty adjusting to school and have some other tips like the locket that make the transition easier, please do feel free to share!
Man, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t (re: any parenting decision EVAR). Hope Hayley settles in and realizes how much fun school is and can manage all of these new experiences and emotions. Lots on that little girl’s plate!
I really like that idea about the locket. Give her a big hug from Auntie Amanda, okay?
I dont have any tips, as my little guy isn’t in school yet – but my friend is a preschool teacher (3 yrs through Kindergarten) and she says it takes almost the whole month of SEptember for many of the kids to really adjust, no matter how old they are! Hang in there…
Don’t let ANYONE tell you it was a bad thing to have Hayley with you all this time, or that you made a mistake by not sending her to daycare. Do NOT feel guilty about your choices as a mother, for all I see is a couple of girls who look healthy and happy to have you around.
I didn’t go to daycare. Such thing didn’t even exist, it was unthinkable! I didn’t go to pre-school, either. I started Kindergarten when I was 4 years and a half, and I loved it from the very first day. Every kid is different, and you have to give Hayley credit here: Who finds it amusing to go to school and then go back home feeling sick? She probably associates school with getting sick. It is normal.
She needs to adjust to her new routine. It’s a good thing she actually likes school. And I like your “gentle but firm” approach. Just give her time, and don’t let her get discouraged. You’re doing a great job.
“I know that some people will automatically say this is my fault because we didn’t put her in daycare or preschool.”
Oh, give me a break! Yeesh, some people… I went to preschool from ages 3-5, I think it was, and I SOBBED when my mommy tried to leave me at kindergarten. I actually ended up getting pulled out for a year because I was just so stressed about it; I could do the work, but I wasn’t ready emotionally. So, a year later I went back and things went much better.
The schoolwork bored me senseless at times, but that didn’t change until sometime in college. 😀
From the sound of it, Hayley’s just taking a little time to adjust; it happens to all of us, really. Your kid, you know what’s best for her!
Yer going to get the ups; yer going to get the downs; until you have a 70 year old baby. Our kids are ALWAYS our babies. This is just another phase … probably phrase #147 out of 2,457,262 phases. Oh yeah, Hayley is going to have those phases too. lol
I teach kindergarten in Calgary. It is not uncommon for the adjustment period to be up to a month for some kids. Your k program is a full day right? That’s a LONG time for a 4/5 year old… ours is only 1/2 day and some of the kids are ready to see mom after about a half an hour.
It’s a huge adjustment to get used to being woken up, on the bus, at school all day, eating lunch there (or not eating much at all which just adds to the stress) and then finishing the day and riding the bus home. Are you close enough to pick her up at the end of the day or to walk her to school?
Certainly the majority of students who I have taught that went to preschool tend to adjust quicker – it’s nothing to do with daycare and childcare – it’s just that they are used to being in a large group, away from parents, and the routines and expectations of “school”. But those who didn’t will adjust too – it just may take a little longer – but then again each child is different.
I know my daughter who is in grade 2 is VERY tired after her day and doesn’t eat much at lunch, but in a week or two she will be more used to it again and things will begin to balance out.
The locket is a great idea – as long as it makes her happy to look at it rather then sadder. I know that one day last year I put a nice little note (Hope you are having a great day.. I love you, mom) in my daughter’s lunch bag – the first time I had ever done that and it made her burst into tears (I haven’t done it since!), being reminded about home while at school and tired and and and…
anyways I think you should stick with it..
The locket is a great idea. I might just use it myself! Sarah is in grade one and despite the fact that she was a pro at years of FT daycare she still has problems that first month of school. It happened in JK, and SK, and I thought it was over now but apparently not! I think it comes from the fact that our summers are full of intense togetherness. It’s just her, me, and her sister. It’s hard to adjust to life without us!
What I did to help her last year (and probably bears repeating) is write her a very simple letter (with pictures). It said “I LOVE YOU SARAH” and had a picture (ok, a stick drawing) of her and I holding hands. I asked her to keep it close to her and look at it when she felt sad. She really liked it.
Daniel’s been in a school since 8 weeks old and you’re exactly right, it’s more to do with the personaility of the child, not how much experiece they have. Daniel had some trouble adjusting to his 2’s class. It was a hit and miss each day as to whether he’d go inside on his own or if I’d have to lug him inside. So when the next school year came, from day 1, I put a note in his lunch box and continued to do so every.single.day that whole school year! I have to tell ya, that was one heck of a lot notes! They were always on 81/2 x 11 plain copy paper. I’d draw pictures for him. Write silly songs or poems! I’d search for pictures of things he loves on the internet (gotta luv google), like Thomas and Friends, Dora, Backyardigans, I’d just print them out and write a little something on the side. I often printed out an old picture of him as a baby or pictures of family or the pugs.
There are unlimited options, just be warned…once I started this, there was NO turning back. He wanted and expected those notes every day. His teacher often commented on particularly cute notes and said at lunch time, Daniel’s notes have become the big thing for the whole class. All the kids wanted to see what Daniel’s notes had on them this time. I highly recommend it. It gives them a small dose of “mom or dad” right at the perfect time! Plus it’s a social ice-breaker for conversations to start up!
The locket is a great idea. I just wanted to express my jealousy over the fact that they allowed her to start at 4 soon turning 5. I wish they allowed that here.