Ahhh, the weekend. It’s not even 9 am on a Saturday morning, and yet I’ve already had so many fun things happen. If by “fun” you mean “not so much”.

1. Breanna woke up briefly at about 7:10 am. She barely even opened her eyes and rubbed at her little eyelids with her fists so I was happy to think that she might just go back to sleep for at least another hour. She was having her milk and her whole body was going limp as she drifted off peacefully. I was just about to go back to sleep myself when THE PHONE RANG. At 7:15 in the morning on a Saturday! The ringing snapped everyone under age four to a fully awake status and all hopes of sleeping were dashed completely. The worst part is that it was a blocked number and the message was just static so I have no idea who it was, and therefore I can’t return the favor by calling back the next time I wake up at 3 in the morning.
2. Yesterday I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with a massive, extremely painful toothache. I took some Tylenol and that helped a tiny bit for about 45 minutes. Last night, George got me some Advil, which helped tremendously. This morning I had some more pain so I took another dose. The pain is almost gone now, but the swelling is still there. The swelling is making me feel very beautiful indeed. One half of my face looks normal. The other half makes me look like The Rock.
3. I looked over and saw a gigantic spider running across the living room carpet. In an effort to keep my children from adopting my phobias, I managed to calm my inner hysteria and although I wanted to, I did not climb up on my chair, screaming. Instead, I watched to see where it went (in amongst the animals of Noah’s Ark, ick), prayed that Breanna wouldn’t decide to play in that very spot, and then I ran to get the vacuum. I then pretended that there were some crumbs I needed to clean at the bright, early hour of 8:30 am, and I sucked that fucking spider right up. It was HUGE. As big as my head! Or maybe just the size of a silver dollar. Either way, if it’s bigger than a silver dollar, to me it’s huge.
4. Ever since I sucked the monster up, I keep brushing at my arms and legs, thinking that I can feel something crawling on me.
5. Breanna spewed milk all over me.
6. Hayley has asked me no fewer than ten times in less than one hour whether she can go visit her grandparents today despite the fact that I have said we’ll see and to please stop asking.

If it was at all possible, I would go back to bed for an hour or two.