I’m struggling here, folks.

There was once a time when I spent a lot of my free time writing. There was little - or nothing - better than losing myself in a world I created. There was no better high than when I thought of some awesome little twist to my story, or when I reread something that I had written really well. When I wasn’t actively writing, I was daydreaming about where I would take my story next, or “getting to know” some of my characters. Every so often, I’d hit a snag - a problem in the story or a gap that I didn’t know how to bridge, but although those could be hair-pulling moments, I usually found a way to make it all work.

By far the worst thing ever was when I’d want to write, but just couldn’t think of a goddamn idea.

That’s where I am now. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been neglecting my writerly side. And that’s all right, I suppose, because it’s not like I wasn’t doing anything at all. I moved, made a new life for myself, got a brand new job, met Neal and developed an awesome relationship… But. There’s still that writerly side, and it’s become rusty and crabby, and with Neal away, it’s harder and harder to tune out that rusty and crabby writerly voice urging me to “get on with it already and write a damn story!”

It’s not like I haven’t been trying. Maybe not my best attempts, but I have tried. I’ve come up with a couple of ideas. A few I remember are: my version of an Irish folktale; a character with post-traumatic stress disorder; historical fiction set in Newfoundland. But I abandoned all of these ideas. They just weren’t right. Recently, it occurred to me that perhaps I should try re-writing that faery book since I liked the original idea. But the truth is, I want something new.

But what?

I’ve been through this before. The harder I try to come up with an idea, the worse my writer’s block becomes. Then, just as I’m giving up and figuring I will never ever write again, an idea suddenly springs to mind like my Muse suddenly realizes I’m about to put him into retirement and panics.

Um, Mr. Muse? Can you start panicking now?

It just drives me nuts. One of my plans was to use the time Neal is away by writing. Sorta put a silver lining on it all, y’know? I wanted to formulate an idea and start writing, get the juices flowing. One might argue that I’m putting too much pressure on myself and that’s why I can’t come up with anything decent, but this has been the case for over a year now. Trust me - I haven’t been pressuring myself all that much.

Maybe it will start coming back to me now that I’m reading more like I used to. That was another thing that kind of went by the wayside when I first moved out here. Sure, I read, but it was sporadic and I found I didn’t pay attention the way I used to - even with books by authors I love. Diana Gabaldon’s The Fiery Cross and A Breath of Snow and Ashes? I’m sure they are quite wonderful, just like her other books, and I know that I enjoyed them to some extent, but do I remember anything all that important? Not really - just tidbits and only when other people bring them up. Now, though, I’m reading a lot more regularly and enjoying what I’m reading. And “they” do say that a writer needs to read more than he/she writes.

I sure as hell hope so. Because this blows. It feels like I’ve lost a part of myself that was so important to me for most of my life.

If anyone knows of some unique ways to spark creativity, be sure to let me know!

Oy. My muscles are already stiffening and growing sore. But oh, it was so worth it (of course, I may be singing a different tune come morning when I have to literally ROLL out of bed). I spent the afternoon on a hike with Dan, Will and Jenny (and the dogs, of course). Have I ever explained hikes with these guys? Sometimes there’s a path, but still involves climbing over rocks and roots and fallen trees. The one we went on today followed a river and there were little streams feeding into it, most of which were frozen. Still, you had to navigate very carefully, and sometimes we had to get off and climb around. We also climbed a VERY steep hill, wherein I had to pull myself up by grabbing onto rocks and trees and roots - unnecessarily, because poor Dan misread his GPS, or it gave the wrong reading of the coordinates or something.

Anyway, it ended up being a four-and-half-hour trek in the woods. We left Will’s truck at 1:15 and got back at 5:45pm.

And although I’m sure I’m going to be groaning with pain tomorrow, it is so worth it. After spending the whole work week indoors, working in a dark cubicle, it’s awesome to get out and get some fresh air and good exercise.

Now I’m gonna make a cup of hot chocolate and read some “Harry Potter” (I’m re-reading the series).

Have a great evening!

Ohmygod. My eyes are red, and I had to go put cream around them after watching the movie because they felt sore and dry after crying every few minutes.

I heard a lot of criticism about this movie. Oh, it only focused on two cops. Oh, it “so Hollywood”. Whatever. They couldn’t have represented everyone who was there, or every type of person, and developed the characters enough for the viewer to really, truly care. And sure, they managed to slip in a few “Join the armed forces” messages in there. But hey - whether you agree with the current war in Iraq or not, everyone should be appreciative of all facets of the military.

I found the movie to be very powerful. I saw United 93 awhile back, and Neal was curious to hear what I thought of this one in comparison. It’s just different. Both were very powerful, both made me cry, both left me feeling very quiet.

After a little over five years, some of my memory of that day had dulled, but this movie made me remember all over again.

What a week that was! On Monday, I drove Neal to the ship around 7 a.m. On Tuesday, the lawyer I work for picked me up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the airport for our Toronto trip and then I didn’t get home until about 10:30pm. The rest of the week was more or less normal, but as Tuesday was the equivalent of two days, Thursday felt like it should be Friday.

Not that I’m complaining - it was awesome to go on that business trip. I really felt honoured because I’m the first support staff member to ever be taken on a business trip paid for by the firm. It was really nice to be able to put faces to the names of the clients I work with on a daily basis. And, it was just great to do something a little different. Plus, I’ve now banked A LOT of time, which means there is definitely no problem with me taking some time off on the day Neal comes home.

This week, one of the associates at our firm made partner, so we had a little social gathering on Friday at 4 (one of our infamous Pour @ 4’s). Nancy and I went up and socialized, then we headed out with some other people for a couple of drinks and some supper at The Old Triangle. I was still home around 10pm - I tried to stay up to watch some UFC fights I’d taped on Thursday, but actually fell asleep on the couch. That’s weird for me; normally, I can be dead tired and I’ll still stay awake if I’m watching something on tv. But last night, I tilted my head back and closed my eyes for “just a minute” and promptly missed the very fight I was fighting sleep to watch. I turned the VCR off and watched it while my supper was cooking.

One thing that was really nice, though, was something a partner at work said to me. I had been telling her and another person at the firm about the Toronto trip - which she hadn’t known about - and about how it was so great to be able to meet the clients. “Well, it’s you they have primary contact with, isn’t it?” she said, and I confirmed that I am. We both went downstairs, her to go back to work and me to start getting ready to leave, and she said, “You know what the next step is, don’t you?” I laughed. “J***** has already said it, and there’s no way!” (referring to me going to law school). “Why not?” she asked. I explained that although I find law to be really interesting, I also like being able to leave at 5 o’clock.

“Why can’t you do both?” she asked. “You don’t have to be a work maniac like me.”

Maybe not, but you do have to work longer hours than staff, generally-speaking. I’ll be honest - it is something that has crossed my mind from time to time, going to law school and doing the whole professional thing, but I don’t know… I like having my evenings and weekends to myself. This lawyer in particular IS a bit of a workoholic, but even those lawyers who aren’t work their asses off.

Even so, I was beaming after hearing that. That’s two lawyers saying that I should go to law school in a couple of weeks. Although I have no intention of becoming a lawyer, it is a real ego boost to hear that people think I would be capable of such a thing.

***

And now… I’m sure some of you are wondering how I’m doing considering the fact that Neal is away at sea. And you know what? I’m doing pretty damn well, if you ask me. I definitely miss him - it’s a huge adjustment since I’m so accustomed to seeing him. We see each other, typically, five out of seven days. This week, though, was so busy. Actually, I think next week will probably be similar: by the time I get home, make and eat supper, do a few chores around the apartment, do the dishes, make lunch, watch a bit of tv, read, etc., it’s time for bed! The weirdest day so far was today, just because I’m not usually at home this much, heh. But that said, it’s hasn’t been an unbearably long day or anything. I slept in, showered, made breakfast (I put two eggs in a round microwavable container with a lot of onions and some chopped green pepper and spices and nuked it, then made a toasted sandwich out of that and some melted cheese, and fried up a hash brown, mmm), ran some errands, cleaned… Tonight I had a nice hot bubble bath and then put a mud mask on. I’m going to watch “World Trade Center” tonight and then read for a bit (I’m re-reading the Harry Potter series). I don’t plan to be up super late because I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow. I might go for a hike with Dan and Jenny tomorrow.

So all in all, it’s okay. Obviously, I would *prefer* that he be here with me. And yes, I am very much aware of the date and I do take note everyday of how many days are left before he comes home. But for god’s sake, it’s a 3-and-a-half week long trip. Not months. Weeks. And luckily I have some good friends and people at work take very good care of me. Plus, there *is* email, and so far there was only one day when Neal couldn’t email me. There’s a woman at work, Tammy, whose father was in the navy and her mom said once, “We didn’t have email back in our day! You’ve got it made!” when talking to Tammy’s sister, whose husband is in the navy. And it’s true - it makes a world of difference.

Are you ready to be bombarded with pictures? You’re not on dial-up, are you? There were some specific photos I wanted to share with you, but when I plugged my camera in, I realized that I haven’t uploaded any pictures since before Christmas, so I have lots to share.

To start with, there are the Montreal Christmas pictures:

My mom modeling her new coat

My dad modeling HIS new coat.

Breanna playing with one of her new toys

Hayley pretending to be weirded out by the camera

Then, Christmas in Saint John, NB:

Milo looks so innocent sleeping in this chair at Neal’s parents’, doesn’t he? He’s being a little devil tonight!

Nanny Guthrie, Neal and I

Why am I not surprised that this place is rumoured to be haunted? This house should be in a horror movie!

Hmm… I’m trying to remember the significance of this. It’s a tower of some sort, obviously. I’m trying to remember what part of Saint John it was in, and I’m thinking it might be on the same land as an old insane asylum that was rumoured to be haunted as well, but which was torn down…

This is Partridge Island, and you can read more about its history here. The short version is that it was the island they sent a bunch of sick people during the influx of the Irish as a place of quarantine.

The Christmas Village in Saint John

On New Year’s Eve, one of Neal’s friends who works at a hotel got a room for a bunch of us to use to watch the fireworks. While waiting for the big show, Neal amused himself by getting tackled by kids.

And now we turn to the pictures I was planning on showing you in the first place - from our hike on Saturday:

Charlotte (Jenny’s dog) all ready to go with her little red sweater on. “Walk? Did someone say ‘walk’?”

Dan, our GPS leader

Cody, one of Angela and Will’s dogs. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a good picture of Marble.

Even with her sweater, poor Charlotte was cold, so Dan and Jenny tried to warm her up with combined body heat.

After a bit of hiking, we came across some really extraordinary scenery:

Will and Angela

Me and Neal.

Neal climbing back over a crazy amount of brush

“Ahhh! I’m falling!” Neal didn’t fall, but came kinda close.

I had wanted to write more in this entry, but alas I am now tired after uploading all these pictures. Maybe tomorrow!

Damn. Looks like Neal is going away afterall (you can read the CBC article here.

Basically, Neal was supposed to go on a 26-day fisheries patrol out in the Atlantic past Newfoundland starting just this past Monday. On Thursday, he found out that the trip had been cancelled because the navy ran out of money due to the end of the fiscal year. I had actually started to resign myself to him being gone for a month, but I’ll be honest: I was ecstatic when I found out that he wouldn’t be going. Still, it sucked for him because he needs a minimum of 2 weeks at sea as part of his package completion (ie, to go on to his next level. Once he finishes that next level he will no longer be an apprentice in his area but a journeyman).

Now it looks like they’re getting money from the government because, afterall, it IS important to have our coasts guarded, right? Neal didn’t know anything about it until, funny enough, I called him with the news (and I got an article emailed to me from Andrea in Montreal, for god’s sake) last night. I imagine he learned more about it today and I’ll find out more when he comes over in a little bit. The article says that the military doesn’t know how long it’ll take the HMCS Halifax to get ready for its 35-day trip (Yes, you read that correctly - seems that now it’s a LONGER trip, grumble), but given the fact that they were getting the ship ready just last week, I would imagine it’ll probably be Monday.

So. Some of you are probably wondering how I’m taking it. I can’t predict how I’ll be come Monday since I’ve never been exposed to the navy life, but so far I’m handling it surprisingly well. It’s probably thanks to the fact that I had been preparing myself for him to leave on Monday and was starting to resign myself to the whole thing, and there were only a few days during which I thought Neal wouldn’t be going anywhere until April.

Do I like the idea of being separated from Neal for 35 days? Absolutely not. Hell, we see each other a minimum of 3 night a week plus pretty much all of the weekend. Mondays and Wednesday are typically the only days and nights that we are apart. But it’s do-able. Hey, I was single for most of my life. I haven’t had a lot of boyfriends, so I was always pretty independent. I might have forgotten a little bit of that side of myself, but I’m sure I’ll find it again. And really, it’s a little more than 4 weeks. The weekdays are a cinch because I’m at work anyway. Weeknights might suck a bit but what with making supper, eating, doing dishes, playing with Milo, doing laundry, cleaning, watching a bit of tv, doing some research and writing, leisure reading and getting to bed at a decent time, there won’t be a whole lot of the evening left over.

It’s the weekends that are going to be the worst. But even then, there are things I can do. My friend Kim is thinking of throwing her husband a birthday party in February and I’ll be going to that. Today I saw that there’s a Farmer’s Market year-round down at the ferry terminal every Saturday morning and I think I’d like to check that out (they also have craft stuff down there). There’s a store up off of Spring Garden, downtown, called “The Black Market” which sells African tribal stuff that I’ve been meaning to go see. And hey, even though I’ve been here twice on vacation and I’ve lived here for over a year, I’ve (eep) never been to the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic. I think there’s also a Contemporary Art museum and that might be interesting to go to. And that’s not to mention stuff I want to do around here like clean out and organize my pig-sty of a bedroom closet, and regular cleaning, buying groceries and shit like that.

It’s all a matter of filling up the days. Will I miss him during all of those activities? Yes. Nothing will change that, and I will count down the days until he comes home. But I don’t have to sit in my apartment and pine and cry and twiddle my thumbs and idly wait for my man to come home. I can wait for him to come home while doing things that I’ve been meaning to do and want to do.

And so. Given the good chance that Neal will be leaving on Monday, I’m going to predict that there is a VERY good chance that I won’t be updating tomorrow or over the weekend because I’m going to try to spend as much time with Neal as possible (although I might check out comments, so feel free to leave some!). Monday might be pretty busy and will hopefully be an early night as I go on my business trip on Tuesday morning and my boss told me today that he’ll probably be by to pick me up around 5:30 a.m. Then our flight doesn’t get in until 9:30pm, so the EARLIEST I’ll be back to update (I think) will be Wednesday. And even that is iffy because I’ll probably be a total zombie after Tuesday and then getting up for work on Wednesday.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

A news story that has exploded has caught my attention - that of the “Pillow Angel”. You can read two articles (it’s actually a two-parter) in the Times here and here.

You can also take a look at the parents’ blog here.

The short version is this: a 9-year old child, Ashley, is severely mentally disabled, and basically has the mental capacity of an infant, with no hope of further cognitive development. She lives at home with her parents and siblings. The parents decided to put her on an intensive estrogen therapy program to stunt her growth which would make it easier for the parents to carry her and include her in family events and whatnot, and to have doctors perform a hysterectomy so that a) she wouldn’t have to deal with menstrual cramps and other discomfort and b) if, god forbid, she were sexually abused, she would not become pregnant. They also had her breast buds removed so that she would not grow breasts; the family has a history of large breasts and these would prove very uncomfortable since she lies down a lot and when strapped into her wheelchair.

My gut reaction, like a lot of people, is horror and disgust. How could any medical ethics committee approve these procedures? Does this not go against Ashley’s human rights?

But then, I started to read and to think. If it is true - and it appears that it is - that she will never grow mentally past the “age” of an infant, and therefore she has no use for breasts and a uterus, then why should she have to suffer with these things? The parents want to keep her at home with them rather than ship her off to a home (I have my doubts that they couldn’t afford to put her in a mental hospital or to hire a nurse because we’re talking about some heavy-duty medical procedures in the United States, and I really don’t think these operations would have been covered by insurance). If they can more easily move her around and thereby reduce her risk of getting bed sores and infections by having her growth stunted…

I don’t know. I don’t think this is an issue that has any easy answer. The parents claimed that it was not a difficult decision for them. I’m not sure how it could have been anything but difficult, even if their hearts were convinced they were doing the best possible thing for Ashley. Then again, this is probably something they heard about and thought of slowly, thereby coming to terms with it gradually, as opposed to the rest of us.

What do you think?

Sherry isn’t the only one with germs flying around the apartment. Last Saturday night, Dan - one of Neal’s roommates - announced that he was starting to feel kinda icky, and when I got up on Sunday morning, he was blowing his nose and chewing Echinacea and lozenges. By Tuesday afternoon, my throat was feeling dry, then sore, and Neal was in the same boat. By Thursday, the sore throat was gone, only to be replaced by total congestion. I started taking Advil Cold & Sinus Plus ™ and was grateful for my foresight in buying a couple more boxes of Kleenex last weekend because holy fucking hell, I am blowing my nose like crazy. My nose is red and chapped, and I’ve been putting face cream on the dry areas throughout the day.

Blah.

At least I managed to get through work and now it’s the weekend. And at least it’s before I go on my business trip (did I mention that? I think I might have… I’m going to Toronto in a couple of weeks for the day with the lawyer I work for to meet the clients we work for!). But still. Thank god I don’t have anything I don’t have any big plans for the weekend.

If there is one thing Canadians are renowned for talking ad nauseum about, it’s the weather. I believe there is a saying about how true Canadians are never satisfied with the weather.

When Tammy and I headed up to the downtown mall at lunch today - as we do nearly everyday, it seems - I stuffed my hands in my pockets and actually thought to myself, Hmm, it’s a bit chilly. But then I remembered that it’s January, and really, the weather we have been having for almost the entire winter thus far has felt more like spring. I could count on one hand the number of days that the temperature dipped below freezing this year.

And yes, I’ll be honest. It’s hard to be completely upset with the weather we’ve been having. Since I stopped being a regular cross-country skier (which was years ago), I have not been a fan of winter. I am of the mind that snow belongs only on mountains and out in the country where people actually do activities in it. In the city, snow tends to turn to icky brown slush which cars inevitably splash onto pedestrians. When the wind makes it feel like your skin is going to freeze and fall off, I think everyone should be allowed to stay home where it’s warm. So, fine. Being able to walk to the ferry terminal in my running shoes is nice. Being able to walk around in January without wearing a hat and gloves, is much appreciated

But this is Canada, eh?

Not only that, but this is Eastern/Atlantic Canada. The weather we’ve been having is expected out in B.C. - which, by the way, has been walloped a few times with snowstorms and below-average temperatures that the people out there just aren’t prepared for.

I know people all around are talking about the environment, and who knows, maybe some people are getting sick of hearing about it. If they are, I say “tough”. We’ve all heard the argument that the weather isn’t changing because of pollution but because the earth is going through a “cycle” (most heard during hurricane season when people comment about how many more hurricanes the world has been experiencing). Hell, it almost kinda sorta sounded like it might be plausible - empirically recording the weather is a relatively new activity, afterall. But when ice shelves suddenly break off into the ocean and when temperatures soar in places that are supposed to be cold in cold seasons, that cycle argument becomes obsolete. Things are changing much too quickly. The earth tends to be a slowly-evolving organism.

I’ve seen ants in my apartment over the past week. Ants. In January. And okay, so ants are waking up. They’re small, right? But then I started thinking about all the other creatures that are supposed to be hibernating at this time of the year. Like bears. And gophers. Bats. As anyone who paid attention in ecology class knows, ecosystems are so very sensitive that one seemingly small change can have a huge impact.

Hell, maybe I will start voting for the Green Party.

These days, when people joke about how the weather is a sign of the coming “Armageddon”, I still laugh, but not quite so freely.

Since I’m currently on hold, I thought I’d post a quickie review of “Little Mosque on the Prairie”. It wasn’t the greatest, to be honest - I chuckled a couple of times, but the writing is lacking and so is the acting, but then again, it might just be a matter of it not having come together yet. I think it has great potential, so I hope they get it right soon because CBC only bought 8 episodes!