Chaos Theory

The Miracle of Life
originally written September 30th, 2002

The last night with my big tummy!

The last time I wrote, I explained about how they had finally decided to induce me after all, and that I was scheduled to go in on the Friday morning. As I mentioned in my weblog, the nurse called me back that afternoon and said that they had decided I should actually come in and stay overnight on Thursday so that I could have the gel inserted to help soften my cervix, even though my own doctor didn’t really feel that it was necessary.

We headed for the hospital that evening with our suitcase and all our things that we would need over the next few days. When I arrived, I put on my little blue gown and then had the monitor strapped to my belly while I waited. A doctor came in to talk to me a bit and she commented on my (very common) contractions which were coming every five minutes or so. She examined me and found that I was still at 1 and a half centimeters; no change since week 36.

She left us for a bit and consulted with my own doctor. When he came in he told me that they were going to send me home instead of using the gel (augh!). I liked the reasons why though. Apparently, since I was already having contractions, they were afraid that the gel could send me straight into full blown labor and that I would end up with one contraction peaking while the next one was already starting. I agreed that this didn’t sound like fun, so we picked up all our stuff that we had carried in, and we left with the instructions to come in at 6:30 the next morning to be induced with the Pitocin.

We got home at 11:30 so we watched the last half hour of “Third Watch” to unwind. It didn’t work because it was quite possibly the most heart-wrenching episode I have ever seen and I ended up crying for about ten minutes straight. Afterwards, I got myself ready for bed and went to sleep. Much to my amazement, I actually slept. I was sure I’d be stricken with insomnia because of my nerves but I guess my body knew I needed the rest now more than ever. I woke up once to pee, but I fell asleep again so fast that I barely even remembered getting out of bed at all.

At 4:45 in the morning (!) the alarm went off. I got myself out of bed and hopped into the shower. Once I was done, George took his while I got ready and packed up the last minute essentials like my glasses and toothbrush. I managed to make time to eat a toasted bagel but I passed on the coffee (I think. I actually don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure I stuck with just drinking water that morning).

At a little before 6 am we were on the road. We were both a little nervous but also extremely excited to know that we wouldn’t be coming back home without a baby this time. Being so ludicrously early, the roads were all but deserted and we made it to the hospital and up to the birthing center by 6:15 am. By 6:30 I was in my own little birthing room and they had me hooked up to the monitor to see what was happening. They also started my IV - they don’t automatically give you one under normal circumstances but since that’s how they administer the Pitocin, I had no choice. Once it was in, they turned on the drip for the glucose fluid to keep me hydrated but luckily they kept it on low so that I only had to haul my giant IV pole into the bathroom with my butt sticking out of the hospital gown once. They also hooked the bag of Pitocin up but didn’t turn it on yet.

We started to wait then. Apparently there was no big rush to get started on inducing me although I was ready to get the show on the road. Eventually a doctor examined me at around 9 am and I was surprised to hear that I was now at 2 and a half centimeters. I guess the contractions from the night before had actually done something for a change! By 9:10 they turned on the Pitocin and I waited to see what would happen. They assured me that they set it low enough to start the contractions slowly and gently instead of having them crash out of control right away.

At some point my doctor came to visit me and he used his palm pilot to show us a neat calculation tool that estimates how long labor will last based on factors like whether this is the first baby, how dilated I am, etc. It guessed that labor would last for almost 16 hours, putting us into the very late night. Somewhat discouraging! My doctor joked that he was on duty in the neonatal unit that night and also on call for deliveries in case someone gave birth before their own doctor made it in, so he said that it would be really nice if I could have the baby in the afternoon regardless of what the calculations said. I told him that just for him, I would do my best to accommodate his wishes. He left to get back to his other work.

The nurse came in every five minutes to up the dose so that it progressed easily but fairly quickly. I started to feel the contractions a bit more strongly but they were still just crampy and tight - they hurt about as much as having menstrual cramps so I knew they weren’t the big ones yet.

At 10:20 I had been on the Pitocin for just over an hour when the resident came in to break my water. I had been wondering for ages what it would feel like when it happened and I was very interested in the process. The resident used what looked like a flat crochet needle made out of plastic with a tiny hook shape at the end. She placed it between two fingers and inserted it all the way up and made a little nick. It sounds very uncomfortable but I really didn’t feel anything when she hooked my bag of waters. All of a sudden though, I felt a very warm gush of liquid and I discovered that everything I had read was very accurate indeed - it really does feel like you’re peeing uncontrollably and can’t stop. I was highly entertained. Then she examined me once the flow subsided for a minute and announced that in just over an hour I had made it to 4 centimeters. They turned the Pitocin off to see what my body would do now on its own.

My entertainment was short lived. Within ten minutes of having my water break, the real labor started and I suddenly learned what hard labor contractions feel like. They were by far the worst pain that I have ever felt in my entire life. Luckily, as soon as I heard that I was at 4 centimeters, I made the request for an epidural and I was put on the list. Not so luckily, the entire floor was booked with pregnant women. Every birthing room plus one that is really meant to be a recovery room had someone in labor in it. The anesthesiologist was extremely busy and couldn’t get to me right away.

I lost my mind. I was sure that I was yelling and howling in pain, but George told me later that I was actually only moaning loudly. He said that when he went out in the hall to see if he could find out when I’d get my epidural or at least an estimation, he could not even hear me, even though the door was open with only a drawn curtain blocking me. I was very surprised because I was sure that my pain was being heard all over the whole hospital.

I suffered through these contractions for an hour and a half. They were coming every 45 seconds, practically one on top of the other. I couldn’t even talk through them or between them, all I could do was moan. Every 5 or 6 contractions I’d get a break of a couple of minutes where I could breathe and speak, but then another flow of water would come out and that’s when the cycle would start over. Each time I felt the water coming out I would say “Oh no” and that’s all the time I had to talk.

Basically the pain made me delirious. I wasn’t really aware of much of anything other than through a very thick haze. Also, at some point, I grabbed onto George and said “If I don’t get an epidural RIGHT now, I’m going to FUCKING kill someone” and I have no memory of ever saying that. Whoops.

There were two things that really got me through it - two people. There were a few student nurses who were there that day and two of them were very well-meaning but total bozos. They kept trying to distract me from the pain but they did it by asking me questions and trying to engage me in conversation. George kept answering for me since I was physically incapable of doing so, and I think he may have eventually told them that I couldn’t talk so they stopped and finally left.

However, there was another student, Maggie, from a different school and she was wonderful. It was her first time at our hospital and I can tell you she’ll go far if her practical skills are as good as her bedside manner. She immediately came over and took my hand, telling me to go ahead and squeeze. Better yet, as hard as I squeezed her, she squeezed back just as hard. For some reason, this helped me. She didn’t try to engage me in conversation, she just encouraged me, telling me I was doing great, telling me when I was peaking so I knew the contraction was almost over, and basically just guiding me through it. Whenever I had my brief moments of awareness, she’d ask me how I was doing and encourage me some more. When I suddenly felt my stomach heave, she knew right away and asked how I felt. When I said I thought I might be sick, she immediately placed a kidney-shaped basin next to my head on the mattress. I never did throw up but it was a close call and I was suddenly grateful that the nurses hadn’t let me eat anything an hour earlier when I was starving and weak and begging for food because it would have come straight back up by that point.

The other person who got me through it was George and I can’t tell you in enough words how amazing he was. He never wavered throughout the entire hour and a half ordeal. Before Maggie arrived on the scene he stood in front of me and let me lean my head against him and grab onto him and squeeze the hell out of his hand. Like Maggie, he helped me through it with words of encouragement, telling me how great I was handling it (I was?), and reminding me to breathe whenever he caught me holding my breath. Once Maggie came to hold my other hand, he went to the other side of the bed and stood behind me. With every single contraction, every bit of pain that I felt, he rubbed my lower back hard. It helped so much. While Maggie squeezed my hand, and while George rubbed my back, I would rub my abdomen and somehow I made it through with their wonderful help.

At a little before 2 pm the anesthesiologist finally arrived and there began the ordeal of trying to give me an epidural. It wasn’t painful but I was still dealing with all those intense contractions so it was a long process because she had to wait until I was in between them to do anything. I sat on the edge of the bed with George standing in front of me, holding my hands and answering questions for me. The anesthesiologist stuck a small needle in my back to freeze the area first. I felt it go in but considering the amount of pain I was feeling in my uterus, it was almost funny when she warned me that the needle might “sting” a little. Basically it was just like being at the dentist - there’s a tiny sting and then the whole thing feels numb. That’s when she prepared to give me the catheter to start the epidural. She apparently had a bit of trouble with it because my ligaments were really strong. She asked if I did any sort of sports because my back was very strong. George told her I used to do kung fu. I tried to add that all those years of ballet as a teenager probably did something too but I couldn’t catch my breath enough.

Once she was done she told me that I might feel a little zinging sensation in my legs and a strange wet feeling in my back as she started the epidural up. I didn’t care at that point if it was going to feel like someone was using my head as a gong, I just wanted to get it finished so it could start working for me. She was right though. As it started up, my legs felt like a little current passed through them and then it felt like someone had poured a glass of cold water down my back. Then the whole thing started to numb. I felt the next contraction just as strongly. The second one hurt but was much more bearable. The third one was nothing more than a pressure. It was working!

I became my regular self again after that. I still knew that I was having contractions because I could feel a small pressure each time and I could still feel fluid leaking out of me, but there was absolutely no pain. I was able to talk again, to see again, and life was much more wonderful. I am ready to be a spokesmodel for epidurals now after that experience. What a wonderful invention. I wondered aloud how anyone gets through labor without one. I have a lot of admiration for those who go through childbirth naturally and medication free but I don’t know how I would have done it.

I was very disappointed to find out that Maggie had left already - I had really wanted to thank her for being so amazingly helpful. Apparently she had said goodbye but I was still in lala-land with pain so I don’t remember her leaving at all.

A few minutes after I had calmed down, the doctor came to examine me again. I was figuring on 5 or 6 centimeters, so imagine my surprise when she told me that I was now at 9 centimeters! In just two hours, I had gone from 4 to 9, and all on my own. Breaking my water apparently really did something. I always knew that my uterus knew what it was doing, it just needed a bit of a head start. They called my doctor right away to put him on standby.

George left for a few minutes once he was sure that I was stable. Unfortunately for him, after he left, the nurse came in and put an oxygen mask on me. There was nothing wrong but they wanted to provide extra oxygen for the baby just to prevent any problems now that we were down to the last mile. Poor George wasn’t aware of this though so it was a bit of a shock for him to come in and find me with a mask on my face. I reassured him that we were both fine.

Somewhere around there, George’s parents came by. They had been out visiting and had to pass the hospital on their way home so they decided to drop in and see if I was up to having visitors. If they had shown up sooner they wouldn’t have been allowed in because I would have told George I didn’t want anyone in there but since I was very peaceful and happy it was okay.

My doctor came by and examined me again at 3:40 and I was finally up to 10 centimeters. I wasn’t yet feeling the urge to push so he said to just relax and rest up a bit. I told him that I had taken his evening schedule quite seriously and was doing my best to have this baby early just for him. He thanked me and we laughed. Then he told me that he started on duty in the neonatal unit at 5 pm but that I was his main priority so he already had someone to cover for him until he could get there and that he would not leave me so that was reassuring at least.

At a little past 4 o’clock the baby’s heart rate started to drop significantly. It was not yet horribly dangerous, but with every contraction it dropped down lower than usual and they decided it was time to get the baby out NOW before it did get serious. Luckily for me, I just started to feel a strange new sort of pressure, and suddenly I had the urge to push. They called my doctor in, got my feet up, and pulled out little handles for me to grab onto when I pushed. George’s father was out the door very quickly and waited out in the hall. His mom saw the look of panic on my face (since I had no idea what pushing would be like, I was kind of scared, plus I was worried about the baby) so she took my hand for a minute to reassure me. She wasn’t sure if she should stay or not since I had always said I didn’t want anyone other than George and medical personnel in with me when I delivered but I was so afraid that I wouldn’t let go of her hand. She ended up staying and although I never would have imagined I’d be comfortable with that, I was very happy. Luckily for George’s dad, our friend Cindy came by after her shift and chatted with him while they waited.

At 4:20, pushing started. Pushing didn’t hurt at all, not like I expected it to. However, it was the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done. I’ve had more energy after running cross-country races in high school. Whenever I had a contraction, I’d have to grab the handles on the sides of the bed, take a deep breath in, let it out, take another deep breath in, then pull myself up and push as hard as I could. The first few times I don’t think I was doing it right or as hard as I could have, but soon I caught on. Each contraction meant three separate pushes for a count of ten each. George stood on my right, holding my leg, his mom did the same on the left, and the nurse was down between my legs watching for crowning and keeping an eye on the heart monitor. Meanwhile, my doctor had nothing to do. He’s really only there for the very end or for problems. He wandered out into the hallway, visited a patient in the next room, went to the washroom, and cleaned out his wallet. The whole time, the nurse, George, and his mom were counting out loud for me.

The resident arrived partway through, having just delivered another baby, and my nurse that I saw for prenatal appointments, Mina, made it down too - I told my doctor to call her because I knew she wanted to be there if she could. Mina commented at one point that she had never seen someone smile so much during the pushing phase of labor but I couldn’t help it. Seeing my doctor sorting all his business cards and receipts in his wallet struck me as very amusing. Then at one point, he was out in the hallway and everyone was counting and he started yelling “5… 6… 7…” from the hall and I actually burst out laughing right in the middle of a push. It was certainly not the horrible ordeal I had imagined it to be and it was nothing like some of the scary things that I’ve seen on “A Baby Story”.

Around 5 o’clock the baby’s heart was dropping even lower so they decided that it was time for some help. They could feel that she was almost all the way out but they used the vacuum suction thing to assist her in making to the end of the birth canal. I finished pushing for that series and opened my eyes and saw that my doctor had surgical scissors in his hand and I realized that I had needed to be cut. I was hoping to avoid that but I’d rather be cut in a clean manner than left to tear in who knows what direction. I didn’t even feel that. Then they started the vacuum procedure. That was the only thing that hurt, having that inserted in me, but it was brief. Then they turned it on for just a few seconds and coaxed her right down. My doctor said he could now see the top of her head because she had crowned. George peered over and looked up and said all he could see was a little scalp full of hair.

The next set of pushes was when the real excitement started. By the end of my first of three pushes, the baby’s head popped out. The doctor announced that the head was out. I looked up at the mirror on the ceiling and experienced the single most surreal moment of my life when I saw a tiny little red face sticking out between my legs. I’ll never forget it. I started saying, “Oh my God! Oh my God!” A few people thought that it was because I was in pain but I wasn’t - it was because I couldn’t believe this tiny little head and that I was so close to having my baby.

With the next push it was all over and her little body slid right out - she was born at 5:11 pm on September 20th. She didn’t even start to cry. George said that she looked around and said “Ah! Ah!” She only cried after they had placed her under the heat lamp in the bassinet. That’s okay though, because the second she popped out I was crying enough for both of us.

She scored an 8/10 for her one-minute Apgar and then a 9/10 for her five-minute Apgar so that was great. They brought her over to me, and she was crying, I was crying, George was crying, and for a few minutes it was just a great big old bawl-fest in the room. She was so beautiful and so perfect and I couldn’t believe that such a little miracle had come from my body. Unfortunately they had to take her and put her back under the lamp for a little while because it’s a massive difference in temperature between the uterus and the outside world.

In almost no time they had managed to deliver the placenta. I didn’t get to see it until a little later (I was curious, I really wanted to know what it looked like) but George saw it right away and made a comment about how it looked like Haggis. Ew. I thought it looked interesting but totally different than I imagined.

Then the fun of stitching started. I still don’t know how many stitches I actually needed but basically there are four different degrees of severity when it comes to an episiotomy and I got the fourth one - the worst one. I won’t even tell you what that means because not everyone wants to know. Feel free to ask me is you really want me to tell you. It took them awhile to do the repair work and my epidural had run out so they froze me twice. It was okay, I didn’t really feel anything.

First picture of me and Hayley.

Once they were done and had prepared a bed for me, they transferred me to a stretcher and put the baby in my arms for the first time in awhile. Then I was wheeled off to my semi-private room. My parents had arrived shortly before and we passed them on the way but I was still so busy being overwhelmed by the realization that my baby was finally here and I was probably crying again, so I didn’t really pay much attention to them until I was settled in my room. Everyone came in to see her but luckily they didn’t stay more than an hour or so because as happy as I was, I was exhausted and I really just wanted to spend time with my new family. And that was the amazing part. At 5:10 pm George and I were a couple. At 5:11 we became a family, all because of our baby. It was a great feeling.

George and Hayley the next day.

Visiting hours end at 8:30 so my family left. George and my sister had gone out to Subway to get some food because the cafeteria was already closed so I had no supper waiting for me. Since George is not considered a visitor, he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted. He stayed with us until about 11:30 and then he headed out so that we could all get some sleep. He actually went to visit Dino and a few people who were over there jamming so that he could tell them all the good news. He didn’t get much sleep that night, but neither did I - I was trying to learn how to feed my new baby and I couldn’t keep my eyes closed for long. I kept waking up to look at her. I think I slept a half hour or so all night.

Hayley the next day after her first diaper change.

We stayed in the hospital until Sunday afternoon and then we were allowed to go home. In the two days I was there, they showed me two ways of breastfeeding (and I’ve since taught myself the other two though I don’t use the football hold since she hates that), how to give her a sponge bath, and all kinds of information that we needed for her.

The first day home was strange, having this tiny new creature with us but I was so happy to have her home with us.

We named her Hayley Eleanor Geraldine Carter. Hayley was simply a name that I had loved for years, and when I mentioned it to George way back when we first found out I was pregnant, he liked it too. Eleanor is in honor of my great-aunt, someone who would have thought that Hayley was the sweetest thing in the whole world. Geraldine is George’s mother’s middle name.

She weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces when she was born. Considering all the hoopla over whether she’d be small, I was pleased with her size. She wasn’t too small but she wasn’t too big either. When we left the hospital she had dropped to 6 pounds, 2 ounces (which is normal) but I’m sure she’s gained it all back by now because she’s a hearty eater. She was 49 centimeters in length.

The whole birth process was completely different than I had intended. I couldn’t use the jacuzzi because I had to stay on the monitor because of the Pitocin. I never got around to using a birthing ball. I never even really thought about any of the music that I had brought with me. But just because it was different, it didn’t make it bad. It was one of the best days of my whole life, even with the pain. And even though I recall that it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, I honestly can’t remember exactly what it felt like. I think that’s how women have more than one baby, because they forget any of the bad parts and only remember how wonderful it was the second their baby was born. I’m not intending to provide Hayley with a brother or sister for several years, but I’ll have another one someday. That’s definite. I’ll just make sure I get my epidural before they break my water!

We’ve been adjusting to our new life with a baby slowly but surely. George took the first week off from work, and he went back to work this week. He has next week off again. Life is completely different that it was on September 19th, but now I’m so used to having her here that I can barely remember what it used to be like.

I’ve never been a very career oriented person and I think that now I know why. Everyone was meant to do something or be something and I’ve finally discovered what I was meant to be - I was meant to be someone’s mother. I’ll get a job later on for extra income but it will never be more to me than a job. My real “career”, my real life is here at home with my baby and George - my family.

That’s the basic story. It was so much more than I’ve managed to put into words and I hope I managed to get all the details straight. It may have all happened in less than 8 hours of labor (amazing for a first pregnancy!) but a lot of stuff happened.

And now my Hayley Hiccup (just one of ten thousand nicknames) is waking up with loud stretching and comical facial expressions. I think I’m going to go scoop her up and give her a zillion kisses.

I knew this would be great. I just never knew how much so.

Hayley in her bouncy seat, October 1st, 2002.

Reading: She’s Come Undone. And I’ll get back to it some day I’m sure.
Listening: The dryer. I do more laundry now than ever before.
Watching: Maybe “Third Watch” later on.
Anticipating: Sleeping.
Eating: Breakfast - Brownie muffin bar. Lunch - Leftover garlic chicken and rice. Supper - I don’t know yet. Maybe something easy like Kraft Dinner and hot dogs.