Chaos Theory

Lately most of Canada has been brutally beaten senseless by an Arctic cold snap. BC isn’t suffering quite so much, but they deserve the break since they had to deal with flooding and mudslides lately after getting more snow than usual and then heavy rains. From Alberta Eastward though, the cold Arctic air has been creeping down and freezing us all into a bunch of ice zombies.

Yesterday as I was outside walking in what came to -34C with the wind (-29F), I actually found myself laughing. I couldn’t help it, crying would have been counter-productive since my eyelids would have frozen shut within seconds. But really, I laughed because it just seemed so utterly ridiculous that it could actually be THAT cold. And hell, I had it good out there in my -34 weather. People in Winnipeg, Manitoba were probably cursing their decision to live in the prairies because out there the wind was making it feel - no kidding - like it was -49C or -56F. Now that? That is insane.

I’m Canadian, and if there’s one thing Canadians stereotypically enjoy doing, it’s talking about the winter. I perpetuate this stereotype because I love weather. I watch weather shows like some people watch the stock market, I’m a member of a fairly hardcore weather forum, I check both Forecastfox and The Weather Network for discrepancies, I’m all over the weather. I also complain about it regularly. In the winter I groan about the snow and ice and frigid winds. In the summer I moan about how it’s too humid to live.

So instead of complaining about the fact that it’s the third subarctic day in a row and I’m still waiting for my ears to warm up, half an hour after getting back in from walking the dog, I’ll keep laughing about how ridiculous these temperatures are and give you some positive things about all of this.

Positive things about Arctic cold snaps:

1. Getting to experiment with creative layering. On the first day, my jeans were no match for the wind and I came inside with frozen thighs that burned as they thawed. Realizing I was turning into my mother, yesterday I searched from some tights that I could wear under my jeans. I couldn’t find any so I did the next best thing - I wore two pairs pants. Seriously. I wore some skinny pants and then topped them with my jeans. Warm thighs are worth how weird that feels. Today I wore those same pants, a pair of jeans, two pairs of socks, thermal-lined boots, a long-sleeved pajama shirt, a polar fleece hoodie, a button-down cardigan, thick gloves, my winter coat, my Harry Potter scarf wrapped around my face, a toque, and my hood pulled up over it. Sexy? Not even close. But I was warm enough.

2. A glimpse into the future. I wish it wasn’t too cold to be fiddling with a camera outside because then I could show you what I might look like in a a few decades or so. After about two minutes outside, it’s difficult to breathe through my nose, what with it freezing shut. That means I breathe through my mouth, but with my scarf wrapped up just under my nose, breathing causes a lot of condensation. Any hair that is sticking out from under my hat gets wet. Because it’s -34C, the wet hair freezes almost instantly. My hair turns completely white. Not white the way it gets when snow is falling, I mean completely opaque white. I’m not keen on going grey, but if my hair goes totally white like my grandmother’s did, I’ll be okay with that. From what I could see, it looks pretty good!

3. Experimental vision. The reason my scarf is wrapped up just under my nose is because, with glasses, covering up your nose with a scarf means instantly fogged lenses. When my nose does get really cold, I pull the scarf up for a minute, and then I spend that time peering uselessly over my glasses. Looking through them means the world is covered in a thick white film, looking over them means the world is a fuzzy blur. Exciting!

4. Remembering the 80s. When it’s windy, that wind is so cold and biting that tears stream from my eyes. Or well, stream is too strong a word. It’s too cold for streaming. Tears POOL is more like it, and I end up with frozen eyelashes that clump together so much that I am reminded of my first attempts at makeup, when I would glop mascara willy-nilly all over my eyelashes, only to have them clump together and then smoosh up against my glasses. It’s good to reminisce. (Yes, I was totally stunning as a young teenager. STUNNING.)

5. Extra credit Geography. I love Geography. If I could go back in time without changing the present, I would have told my freshly-graduated-from-high-school self to major in Geography because I would have really enjoyed it. However, while you can learn a lot in a classroom or from a book (or the Internet!), there’s nothing like being out in the field for that extra credit and a real chance to learn. Sometimes in the summer, when I’m lying listless on the couch and wondering why humidity has to exist at all, I’ll watch the weather (see? I wasn’t kidding!) and fantasize about living way up north in this vast country. They’ll show the temperatures for the capitals up in the Northern Territories - Whitehorse, Yellowknife, Iqaluit - and they’re all really low, wonderful looking temperatures. I’ll start thinking, “you know, the Tundra is beautiful in that stark way. I’d love to live there.” Then I find myself online looking at the jobs and homes available way up there, north of 60 (now I’m in the mood to watch the show!). Well, having the temperatures as cold as they are and knowing it’s even COLDER up there now, I realize that you know, maybe I’ll just stick with bitching about the humidity and hovering under my air conditioner in the summer and stay in the southern part of the country, thanks anyway.

I think that’s about all I can muster for this cold, crazy weather. It’s supposed to warm up this weekend, though “warm” is pretty well all relative at this point. Right now Forecastfox is showing me a high of -20C (-4F) and -15C (5F) for Saturday and Sunday, plus the windchill. But it’s warmer than today, so I’m looking forward to it.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll only wear one pair of pants!

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